Sex, Alchemy, and Marriage

This article bridges the field of sex and couples therapy with Jungian psychology. By linking sex therapy to the realms of play, creativity, fantasy, imagination, and spirit, it offers fresh perspectives on sexual experiences within committed relationships. It explores matters of the unconscious and transference between romantic partners and how these relate to the relationship between an analyst and a patient. Drawing inspiration from Carl Jung’s The Psychology of the Transference, this thesis examines the psychological and erotic significance of the Rosarium Philosophorum, a collection of alchemical woodprints from the 16th century, in conjunction with Jung’s concepts. The essay amplifies Jung’s perspective by comparing it to Imago Relationship Therapy, a couples counseling modality. It posits that the Rosarium Philosophorum may provide the formula for a fulfilling, vital, erotic union. The integration of Jungian psychology with sex and couples therapy reveals a novel yet ancient framework for understanding and enhancing intimate relationships.

I vividly remember reading Carl Jung’s The Psychology of the Transference (1954/1974) while airbound to Costa Rica on a family vacation. Suggested by my husband when I expressed an interest in Jung’s use of alchemy, this tome, originally extracted from Jung’s Collected Works, resonated with my role as a certified Imago Relationship tTherapist, where I discovered striking parallels between committed couples and the therapeutic relationship between therapists and clients. Recognizing that couples also experience transferences and possess the power to aid each other’s healing and individuation, I delved deeper into Jung’s insights. Indeed, Jung himself acknowledged this phenomenon in his essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship” (1954/1977), illuminating how transference manifests within married couples and describing how their union serves as a platform for personal growth and psychological projection resolution.

Later, as I embarked on my PhD dissertation in clinical sexology, I revisited The Psychology of the Transference, where Jung used alchemical wood prints to explain transference and the relationship between consciousness and unconsciousness, intentionally overlooking the explicit sexual dimension in the imagery. Through the lens of sex therapy, I embraced the erotic nature inherent in these ancient depictions. In so doing, I unearthed an integrated model of couples and sex therapy that may hold the key to an elusive treasure—the philosopher’s stone.

Reexamining the 16th-century images magnified their significance as I acknowledged their explicit and sexual essence. This integrative approach to couples therapy possesses the possibility to heal both the relational and erotic aspects of committed relationships while also liberating our sexuality from the shadows, leading to a more integrated sense of self. It may even reveal a pathway to unlocking our highest potential.

This treatise delves into the interplay between Jungian psychology, alchemical imagery, and contemporary couples and sex therapy. It sheds light on the intricacies of transference, individuation, and the opportunity for growth and transformation within committed relationships. Blending ancient wisdom and modern insights enriches and enhances our understanding of the human psyche and sexuality.

Jung employed alchemy as a psychological metaphor to elucidate the individuation process—a psychological journey toward an integrated and unified personality—achieved by addressing and resolving unconscious conflicts (Jung, 1954/1974; American Psychological Association, n.d.-c). Jung’s exploration of transference demonstrates how uncovering unconscious material fosters personal growth and wholeness (Jung, 1954/1974). Transference within the therapy room occurs when a client projects unconscious wishes and emotions previously directed at significant figures in their lives, such as parents, onto their therapists (American Psychological Association, n.d.-d). Conversely, countertransference encompasses the therapist’s conscious and unconscious reactions to the client’s transference (American Psychological Association, n.d.-b). It includes the thoughts, emotions, and needs that arise within the therapist in response to the patient’s behavior and psychological content. To elucidate this dynamic, Jung drew inspiration from 16th-century block prints known as the Rosarium Philosophorum (Jung, 1954/1974). I invite the reader  to form interpretations and associations with this wood print (see Figure 1). The reader is encouraged to engage in the Jungian process of active imagination with the image and ask themselves, “How am I affected by this sign?” (Jung, 1960/1981, p. 89). Such an inquiry is part of the process of making the unconscious conscious. The answer to the question can provide valuable insight to consider, assimilate, and possibly generate a new attitude or transcendent function (Jung, 1960/1981).

As I reviewed these alchemical images, I felt my own shame wane as I accepted myself as a sexual being. The wood prints enabled me to embrace sexual intercourse as a transformative and spiritual experience within a historical Western context. These revelations empowered me as a clinician to guide couples to connect more deeply in a profound way.

Alchemy

In the twilight of his life, Jung found himself captivated by the enigmatic world of medieval alchemy (Stein, 1992; von Franz, 1980). Alchemists, encompassing the roles of doctors, philosophers, mathematicians, artisans, and astronomers, were heralded as the pioneers of chemistry. However, alchemy in the Western tradition also carried mystical and occult associations. While its origins trace back to ancient Egypt, the practice proliferated through the Muslim world, India, and China (Holmyard, 1957; Schwartz-Salant, 1998). As it evolved, alchemy assimilated Greek philosophical principles into Egyptian techniques (Keyser, 1990). Often shrouded in secrecy, alchemists embarked on experiments involving the amalgamation of metals, with many pursuing the elusive quest to transmute lead into gold or transform “base metals” into “noble metals” (Keyser, 1990). The underlying aspiration was to refine raw materials and elevate them to a state of purity and perfection. Yet some alchemists delved beyond the physical realm, seeking to refine and advance both the human body and soul (Fraser, 2007; Guiley, 2006; Holmyard, 1957). Thus, alchemy became a vehicle for personal metamorphosis—a sacred technology (Fraser, 2007; Guiley, 2006; Keyser, 1990).

Central to alchemists’ formulas were powerful symbols representing the union of opposites, providing insights into the changeability of relationships (Schwartz-Salant, 1998). These symbols, such as the sun and moon (sol and luna), the eagle and toad, and the king and queen, serve as gateways to the collective psyche, revealing the intricate interplay of transformation within relationships (Willard, 2015).

Among these symbolic representations, the “sacred marriage” between the king and queen was significant in alchemical teachings. Their erotic union symbolized the combining of chemical substances, metaphorically referred to as “bodies” (Stein, 1992; Willard, 2015). Alchemists were deeply captivated by the concept of coniunctio, the mystical erotic union, as it offered a framework for comprehending their elaborate work with compounds and matter (Stein, 1992).

This thesis explores how this ancient alchemical symbolism can apply to couples and sex therapy. These medieval images uncover the nature of modern-day relationships and their untapped potential. As couples navigate and negotiate their differences, the alchemical maxim of blending “opposing” base metals to create gold stands as a compelling metaphor. This maxim normalizes and illuminates how differences forge something more precious and formidable.

An inquiry into the ancient alchemical symbolism unveils the hidden possibilities within intimate relationships and serves as a guide toward fulfilling personal and relational growth, liberating sex from reductionism and dualism. Rather than viewing sexuality as merely a physical impulse or confining it to rigid binaries, a holistic understanding recognizes it as an integral aspect of human existence. This expanded perspective acknowledges the innate spiritual nature of sexuality and its capacity for personal transformation. By embracing a more expansive view of sexual intercourse, individuals and couples can cultivate a harmonious integration of their physical, emotional, and spiritual selves.

The Psychology of the Transference

The Psychology of the Transference, initially published in Zürich in 1946 and later translated into English as part of Jung’s Collected Works, explores alchemical woodcut prints known as the Rosarium Philosophorum (Edinger & Blackmer, 1994). The prints were published in 1550 in Frankfurt by an anonymous author (Willard, 2015). The Rosarium Philosophorum, meaning “The Rosary of the Philosophers,” comprises a collection of symbolic pictures intended for contemplation, akin to a rosary (Schwartz-Salant[VV2] , 1998, p. 231). Engaging with these images offered viewers a revelatory understanding and meaning on a psychic level (Edinger & Blackmer, 1994). Additionally, the Rosarium included a poem, with sections attributed to Zosimos, a Greco-Egyptian alchemist from the 4th century who authored the earliest known books on alchemy (Fraser, 2007). Zosimos viewed himself as a devoted proponent of an ancient, primordial alchemical tradition (Fraser, 2007). We will not herein explore the poem but only focus on the Rosarium imagery.

Within The Psychology of the Transference, Jung examines ten Rosarium illustrations that depict the relationship stages between king and queen archetypes. The woodprints commence at the Mercurian Fountain, representing the beginning of the alchemical journey, and progressively display a courtship between the king and queen. The ensuing illustrations document their sacred union through marriage, followed by disrobing and bathing, symbolic of the purification process. The series climaxes in fornication, culminating in their merging and integration as a unified entity. According to Jung, the king and queen archetypes symbolize the integration of conscious and unconscious aspects of the individual’s psyche. The king represents the conscious, rational, and assertive qualities, while the queen represents the unconscious, intuitive, and nurturing aspects. Together, they symbolize a balanced psychological state (Jung, 1954/1974).

The alchemical symbolism associated with the king and queen archetypes further enriches Jung’s understanding of therapeutic transference. Freud initially introduced the concept of transference, describing it as the client’s tendency to project feelings and emotions onto the therapist based on past relationships (Freud, 1920/1989, p. 550). Both Freud and Jung recognized transference as a vital component of the healing process in therapy (Jung, 1954/1974; Stein, 1992). Jung’s approach to psychological healing involved integrating conscious and unconscious aspects of the individual with the therapist’s guidance. Transference, the basis for analytic psychology, served as a mechanism to achieve integration, leading to a new attitude or transcendent function (Jung, 1960/1981, pp. 73–74).  

The therapist-client relationship shares similarities with the dynamics commonly observed in romantic partnerships (Jung, 1954/1977). Jung’s work reveals how therapeutic content can activate and transform both therapist and client, a process applicable to couples as well (Jung, 1954/1977). Couples, like therapist-client dyads, often find themselves entangled in unconscious and conscious dependencies, reenacting dynamics from childhood (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). In Jung’s (1954/1977) essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship,” he explores the dynamics of marriage and their significance within the context of psychological development. According to Jung, marriage induces personal growth and individuation, the process of integrating and reconciling various aspects of one’s psyche (Jung, 1954/1977). Jung argues that the goal of a healthy marriage is not to eliminate conflicts nor achieve a perfect union but rather to create a container for psychological growth (Jung, 1954/1977).

Jung also referred to the sacred marriage images as the divine “brother-sister pair” (hieros gamos), evoking the incest archetype (Jung, 1954/1974, para. 455). Incest, for Jung, symbolized union with oneself, individuation, and the next stage of development, when projections are integrated. Physician and Jungian -analyst Robert Stein goes further and defines hieros gamos as the archetype of romantic love, —an embodied, erotic soul connection (Stein, 1993). Stein (1993) explains, “This moves the soul’s need for union, which is at the core of the transference phenomena, away from the parent-child archetype toward a transference model based on the equality and mutuality of the brother-sister pair” (p. xvi).  The concept of the brother-sister pair offers a transformative shift from the unconscious and regressive parent-child dynamic that often plagues committed couples. Instead, it symbolizes a more equitable, conscious, and erotic union between partners. The brother-sister model moves away from relational power imbalances and towards creating equality and deeper levels of intimacy. This symbol is my North Star, guiding my clinical work as an Imago Relationship therapist with couples.   

Imago Relationship Therapy

“Imago Relationship Therapy” is a psychodynamic therapeutic modality for couples that strives to form conscious, equitable, loving partnerships through a range of techniques and processes. It maintains a theoretical foundation similar to Jungian philosophy: the psychological integration of unconscious projections leads to individuation and wholeness (Jung, 1954/1974, Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Imago accomplishes this within romantic partnerships, aligning with Jung’s assertions in his essay, “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship” (Jung, 1954/1977). Imago’s theory goes beyond Jung’s perspective, however, and provides a practical and more detailed understanding of how childhood wounds consciously and unconsciously influence adult romantic selection and interactions (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). The dynamics of a love relationship can vary depending on the timing and severity of the most significant and painful childhood wounds (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021).  

The term “imago” derives from Latin, meaning “image” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). Jung used the word “imago” to explain “feeling-toned” complexes, constellations of related concepts or ideas that impact individuals’ reactions and perspectives, often unconsciously (Jung 1956/1976, p. 44, American Psychological Association, n.d.-a). Imago Relationship Therapy adopted this term to represent the composite image that romantic partners form based on their earliest caretakers—typically their parents—which impacts their mate choice and shapes their romantic love relationship. Partners are unconsciously drawn to each other when they encounter positive and negative traits reminiscent of their parents, a phenomenon called an “Imago-Match” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Within the context of their romantic relationship lies an unconscious inclination to reenact the emotional drama of their childhood wounds in the hope of meeting unfulfilled emotional or physical needs (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). Jung (1956/1976) also explained how such unconscious material can resurface:  

“The repression leads to regressive reactivation of an earlier relationship or type of relatedness, in this case the reactivation of the father-imago. “Constellated” (i.e., activated) unconscious contents are, so far as we know, always projected; that is, they are either discovered in external objects, or are said to exist outside one’s own psyche.” (p. 59)

Jung’s ideas of “imago” included the “father-imago” and the “mother-imago” (Jung, 1956/1976). He explained how the repressed conflict reappears in projections. Within Jungian philosophy and Imago, recognizing and integrating unconscious childhood projections can lead to personal and relational growth (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Jung believed that through the mechanism of transference, which he associated with the alchemical mercury, patients could uncover and assimilate their projections, leading to an expanded sense of wholeness, freedom, and joyful aliveness (Jung, 1954/1974). Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-founder of Imago, identifies the “Imago Dialogue” as the mechanism that leads to the transcendent function and dissolves projections (personal communication, January 12, 2024). Imago Dialogue is the alchemical mercury and offers couples a safe and effective structure to listen, validate, and empathize with each other, thereby healing their conscious and unconscious childhood wounding that reappears in their relationship conflicts (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). The dialogical structure cultivates a more equitable form of communication rather one that is hierarchical. It enables couples to truly hear and see each other.         

By elucidating the complex dynamics of romantic relationships and their connections to childhood experiences, Imago Relationship Therapy offers a valuable framework for understanding and facilitating healing in couples as Jung proposed. Integrating Jungian principles further enriches this therapeutic approach, emphasizing the transformative potential of exploring unconscious projections and the pursuit of wholeness illustrated by the 16th-century Rosarium woodprints.

Sex Therapy

In his exploration of alchemical symbolism, Jung approached the woodprints of the Rosarium Philosophorum not from a sexual perspective but rather as symbolic representations. However, considering the sexual interpretations of these illustrations casts new avenues for understanding on how committed couples can evolve and grow through sexual intercourse. By reinterpreting these prints within the context of sexology, the meaning of sex expands beyond mere physical pleasure and reproduction. Unlike traditional sex therapy, which focuses primarily on curing dysfunctions, this perspective recognizes sex as a means for enhancement and even transcendence. It acknowledges sexual intercourse as an essential element of committed unions and a spiritual experience. Through intercourse, the king and queen go through a powerful metamorphosis. Stein posits that romantic relationships can only evolve when there is a spiritual connection in sexual union (Stein, 1993, p. 180). 

The integration of sexology with depth psychology reveals the archetypal nature of sexuality. By exploring symbols, myths, fantasy, alchemy, and spirituality, our comprehension of sexuality becomes enriched and enlarged. Our internal sexual images determine our experiences (Stein, 1993, p. 180). Interacting with and interpreting sexual images becomes a therapeutic process that brings unconscious material to consciousness, facilitating insight and awareness.

Couples are encouraged to make conscious sexual choices rather than being entangled in automatic and unconscious reactions. Sex transforms into an artistic and sacred practice, similar to Tantra, which emerged from alchemy in the East (Guiley, 2006). By connecting sexuality to spirituality and archetypal images, individuals and couples can enhance their sense of self, overcoming perceived limitations and faults. They can engage in the Tantric practice of divinity role-playing, which enables them to tap into their inherent god-like nature, elevating their self-esteem and promoting higher levels of consciousness.

In the Office

Stephanie and George, a couple undergoing therapy in my Santa Monica practice, embarked upon an alchemical transformation that enabled individuation and reignited an erotic connection. Both were dedicated parents to two young boys while holding down full-time jobs, but Stephanie felt overwhelmed as she believed all household responsibilities were placed upon her. In contrast, George felt criticized and controlled, reluctant to assist with household chores. These perceived roles strained their marriage, creating tension, minimal affection, and infrequent sex.

The first phase of therapy focused on addressing their resents towards each other and resolving unconscious projections. Using the Imago Dialogue structure, Stephanie and George shifted from their intractable stances by listening rather than provoking each other. They realized their dynamic felt similar to interactions they respectively experienced as a children with their parents. Stephanie connected her feelings of being overwhelmed as an only child and latch-key kid, where her parents put an inexorable responsibility on her shoulders. At the same time, George unearthed memories of feeling persistently criticized by his mother, where nothing he did met her standards. Their exploration of these childhood wounds led to a deeper empathy for each other, moving from arguments into seeking understanding. Stephanie and George learned to negotiate household tasks calmly and collaboratively as their therapy progressed. They integrated rather than reacted to their unconscious content, invoking a “transcendent function,” as Jung (1960/1981) would say (para. 131).

Despite communicating more effectively, their physical connection remained lacking. When couples get along, they often live parallel lives and do not reengage sexually. As we broached this part of their relationship, I made it clear that perfunctory or obligatory sex were not options, and instead presented sex as a regenerative force that would brings fun, passion, and vitality to themselves and their union.

To begin, I suggested taking sexual intercourse off the table, as there is nothing less sexy than demanding sex. Stephanie had to feel comfortable saying “no” to sex in order to be able to say “yes,” which brought an equal balance to the relationship as represented by the king and queen alchemical wood prints. Additionally, I addressed the narrow perspective of sex primarily revolving around physical penetration so often seen in American couples. I sought to broaden their understanding of intimacy as a mutually pleasurable and spiritual experience.

Encouraging them to designate a dedicated weekly time to reenact moments of sensuality became a turning point of our sessions. Scheduling time together lowered their anxiety because they no longer wondered when they would have sex. As we reintroduced sexuality into their relationship, we explored ways of infusing these moments with stated preferences and creativity. We charted an avant-garde course by identifying their “turn-ons,” stimulating their imaginations through suggestions of role-play, and facilitating open discussions around their sexual fantasies.

Introducing the idea of sexual archetypes, I explained how, during role-playing, they could safely act out sexual transgressions that were arousing and tantalizing. They could also heighten their experience by taking on the roles of gods and goddesses, bringing a spiritual element into their eroticism. This evolution transformed “sex” into what they termed “Sexy Time,” a fluid and multi-dimensional experience that included penetration sometimes, but also explored a wide array of sensual encounters beyond it.

Through this expansion and redefinition of intimacy, Stephanie and George reconnected with each other and themselves. They encountered their relationship in a new light, breaking free from the confines of their previous perceptions and experiencing a deeper connection and greater mutual pleasure.

Perhaps the philosopher’s stone is the formula for a long-lasting, satisfying, and erotic union. By interpreting alchemical symbols as intricate guides akin to the practices of Indian Tantrism, couples can embark on a transformative journey, fostering personal growth and relational harmony (Guiley, 2006). The cryptic and often misunderstood nature of alchemical symbology in the Western context has perhaps veiled a fascinating and dynamic sexual history. Biases within Western academia have contributed to the neglect of this secret sexual history, leaving it largely unexplored and poorly understood (Bogdan & Starr, 2012). Unearthing these concealed aspects could revolutionize Western perspectives on sex within marriage, prompting a reevaluation and newfound appreciation for the developmental and transcendental expansiveness of marital and sexual experiences.

In fusing Jungian psychology and Imago Relationship Therapy with alchemical sexual symbology, an innovative framework emerges, offering holistic and integrated therapeutic interventions. Through my close examination of the Rosarium Philosophorum woodprints, I not only cultivated greater self-acceptance and personal pleasure but also forged a more fulfilling, erotic, and spiritual union with my husband. This process empowered me to guide couples in my clinical practice toward  experiencing a deeper, more equitable, intimate connection and intimacy than they ever deemed possible. Sex has the ready-made potential of becoming a process of interactive, interpersonal active imagination, pushing the personal over an archetypal edge, swirling transference and counter-transference between couples in an ever-expanding container of transformation. As we combine alchemical symbolism, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Jungian psychology, personal and relational metamorphosis becomes conceivable and achievable.

FURTHER READING

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-a). Complex. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/complex

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-b). Countertransference. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/countertransference

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-c). Individuation. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/individuation

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-d). Transference. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/transference

Bogdan, H., & Starr, M. P. (Eds.). (2012). Aleister Crowley and Western esotericism. Oxford University Press.

Edinger, E. F., & Blackmer, J. D. (1994). Mystery of the coniunctio: Alchemical image of individuation: Lecture studies in Jungian psychology by Jungian analysts. Inner City Books.

Freud, S. (1989). Introductory lectures on psycho-analysis. W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. (Original work published 1920)

Fraser, K. A. (2007). Baptised in Gnosis: The spiritual alchemy of Zosimos of Panopolis. Dionysius, 25, 33–54.

Guiley, R. E. (2006). The encyclopedia of magic and alchemy. Infobase Publishing.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2021). Doing Imago relationship therapy in the space-between. W. W. Norton and Company, Inc.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.

Holmyard, E. J. (1957). Alchemy. Penguin Books Ltd.

Jung, C. G. (1974). The psychology of the transference (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1954)

Jung, C. G. (1976) The hymn of creation (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 5, pp. 39–78). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1956)

Jung, C. G. (1977). Marriage as a psychological relationship (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 17, pp. 187–201). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1954)

Jung, C. G. (1981). The transcendent function (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 8, pp. 67–91). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1960)

Keyser, P. T. (1990). Alchemy in the ancient world: From science to magic. Illinois Classical Studies, 15(2), 353–378.

Schwartz-Salant, N. (1998). The mystery of human relationships. Routledge.

Stein, M. (1992). Understanding the meaning of alchemy: Jung’s metaphor for the transformation process [Speech audio recording]. C. G. Jung Institute of Chicago. http:/jungchicago.org/blog/understanding-the-meaning-of-alchemy-jungs-metaphor-for-the-transformative-process/.

Stein, R. (1993). Incest and human love. Spring Publications, Inc.

von Franz, M. L. (1980). Alchemy: An introduction to the symbolism and the psychology. Inner City Books.

Willard, T. (2015). Beya and Gabricus: Erotic imagery in German alchemy. Mediaevistik, 28(1), 269–281. https://doi.org/10.3726/83024_269

This manuscript is an earlier version before publication. Access the published copy here (requires payment).

Marriage: What No One Tells You

By Thea and Duane Harvey

Your partner is a pain in the ass. You probably already know this, but what you may not know is that this is the way it is supposed to be. Sorry, it’s unavoidable. Everyone is difficult close up, even you. “But this is so unfair!” you might think. “My friends are easy.” Marry them and they won’t be. This is usually the first thing relationship experts Harville Hendrix and Stan Tatkin point out.

Commitment creates a unique environment with its own law of physics. What goes on in the rest of world doesn’t apply. Primary partners get close, very close, and this is the problem.

Of course, you didn’t realize this when you first met, and neither did they. You didn’t notice because you both were high on drugs. Your pituitary glands secreted love hormones and you fed off each other with high excitement and obsession. You have so much in common. You are so much alike. Everything is wonderful. But it doesn’t last. The hormones fade and what you are left with is a partner who knows exactly how to try your last nerve. 

There are three reasons why your partner gets under your skin.

Close Proximity

The first has to do with shared space. You are more likely to bump into one another, more likely to step on each others toes, to get elbowed in the eye in the middle of night. But this isn’t just physical space, it’s psychological space. The fact that you’re actually very different people comes as a shock. We each have preferences, moods, rhythms, idiosyncrasies, to say nothing of bad habits. The very fact that you are different and locked in the same room provides plenty of opportunities to clash. You are on a space station together, you speak different languages and there is no gravity.

Dependency

The second reason has to do with a special kind of memory called implicit memory, the kind we don’t recall in the usual sense. The brain likes to pare down and simplify the past so it converts stories into automatic reactions. Another name for this is procedural memory. The vast majority of our brain architecture was formed before we had the verbal capacity to label and recall events, therefore a great deal of our experience cannot be accessed directly. Instead of recalling early events we act them out, or sink into the feelings they inspired.

The most important characteristic of these early years is that we were utterly dependent on someone. Problems always arise with one-sided dependency, even in the best of situations. These same problems resurface as implicit memory when we enter into a committed adult relationship. Like it or not, commitment is dependency and dependency is scary. And to complicate matters, we are taught from a very early age that dependency is bad. We live in a counter-dependent culture. Dependency is natural and necessary, yet we are shamed by it.

Growing Up

The third reason your partner is frustrating is because they perform the job we enlisted them to do — to help us finish growing up. Were your parents annoying? Same thing. We have to be told what to do or we won’t do it.

Your partner has the blueprint for your personal growth, but the very idea that someone knows us better than we know ourselves is inherently offensive. But it’s true. Partnering is two-way parenting. It is in a relationship that we learn and mature.

Here are three things you can do to turn things around:

Visualize

The part of the brain responsible for processing vision is called the occipital lobe.
The strange thing is that the occipital lobe defers to the hippocampus, the seat of memory, to decipher what we see. This means that for the most part what we see is the past. The brain has an evolutionary bias toward the negative, so what we think we see isn’t good. We must compensate for this by consciously visualizing our partner in a positive light. Research has demonstrated that happy couples delude themselves about their partners qualities. Get delusional.

Appreciate

The next step is to take that positive visualization and express it. When your partner does something you like, tell them. Remember, this is in your best interest. If you don’t tell them they are likely to stop doing it. Tell them what you appreciate — often. The most radical way to implement this is to combine three fresh appreciations a day together with a commitment of zero negativity. No criticism. That means if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Change

Commit to radically reducing your partner’s displeasure by eliminating one by one the things you do that frustrate them. Be curious as to what it’s actually like living with you. Exploring how your partner experiences you can be a real eye-opener. If you can swallow the idea that your partner holds the blueprint for your personal growth you will soon discover capacities and talents you didn’t know you had.

Practicing these three points is guaranteed to turn a pain in the ass partner back into the love of your life. And when they do annoy you, you won’t mind so much.

Follow Thea and Duane Harvey on Twitter: www.twitter.com/theaharvey

Tantra and Relationship Tips

He said, “She never wants to have sex. She’s always complaining she’s too tired. It’s frustrating being turned down all the time.”

She said, “All he wants is sex. I’m exhausted after work and taking care of the kids. He never pitches in enough and when we do it’s all about what he wants.”

As couples therapists, we hear that a lot. Sex is often the source of deep frustrations because our earliest injuries are often sexual and shaming. Creating a connection that is mutually satisfying is two-pronged: eliminate the negative and enhance the positive. Less pain, more pleasure. A simple truth most couples find difficult to practice. As a married couple, as well as therapists, we believe we have found a winning combination of methods for doing just that. The combined processes of Imago Relationship Therapy and Tantra not only bridge the intimacy gap, but can take a great romance to the next level. (click here to read more...) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thea-and-duane-harvey/relationship-tips_b_3175724.html

Couples Repair Playbook →

It was an idyllic afternoon in the small town of Idyllwild, California. The sunlight glistened from the pine needles and the birds were sweetly chirping as Tahquitz Peak stood proudly in the distance. My husband, our six year old daughter, and I were visiting his mother, whose health was in decline.

We were enjoying a family shopping trip to the local stores when it happened. We were all trying on hats when Duane asked how his looked. I was distracted and annoyed as my daughter was hanging on me and I flippantly responded. My callous, “It looks fine!” did not land well. Duane took issue and said he did not like my tone. My tone? His comment set me fuming. Our exchange became heated until his mother approached and told him how much she loved the hat. We silently stewed as we continued shopping, the irritation mounting inside each of us. His parents drove back to the house while we walked. This gave us the opportunity to let the other one have it and release all the fury that was bottling up. Impervious to the presence of our daughter we were each determined to prove the other wrong.

Relentlessly, we argued back and forth like we were trying to win a point in a tennis match. We returned to his parent’s house with no apparent winner and barely hid our anger behind pleasantries as we ate dinner with the grandparents. But under the polite remarks we were both plotting our next round.

This second round never materialized. Instead after dinner we retreated into a passive aggressive silence and we both went to bed disgruntled. The next morning was soured by the day before as we remained distant and aloof.

What happened? What went wrong? What could we have done differently to avoid this caustic collision?

The following are a few playbook tips to mend your breakdown fast.
 
1. Benefit of the doubt 
Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. After all, commitment is about putting your life in their hands, so you might as well believe their intentions are good. We all have off moments. Daily stresses and aches and pains can cause us to be insensitive or unable to be our most loving selves. This is why we need to give our partners a pass whenever possible. Studies have shown that idealizing your partner is beneficial to committed relationships. Most conflicts are the result of misunderstandings, or mis-read cues. We think we know what our partner is thinking but we don’t. Be curious instead of reactive. Get the facts before you attack. Resist your automatic impulses, wait, step back, take a breath and respond compassionately. Chances are if your partner is acting badly toward you they are probably in pain. In retrospect I could see that Duane had not yet come to terms with his mother’s rapid decline in health.

Whatever the argument might seem to be about, it’s aways a breakdown in the quality of the connection. Duane did not really care whether or not I liked the hat, what he did care about was that I dismissed him, and what I cared about was that he accused me. The argument was about the sudden loss of a positive connection, and we were both vulnerable to this because of the surrounding circumstances.

2. Repair quickly 
What distinguishes successful couples from those that break-up is the ability to repair swiftly. Hurt, injury, conflict are all normal, inevitable and necessary for growth within a relationship. The longer the connection is broken the harder it is to repair. The mind is a negative magnet and during the disconnect your partner is collecting every complaint that they have ever had of you, and re-constructing your identity. You don’t want to be mistaken for the person your partner creates in your absence. Projection can be a nasty thing and the best way to prevent it is to show up in a positive way.

3. Do the opposite 
A good rule of thumb is to identify what you typically do when conflict arises, and then do the opposite. If you usually withdraw, approach and stay present. If you tend to pursue your partner around the house or text them relentlessly, let it rest, step back and wait. Another example of doing the opposite is relaxing the facial muscles. This immediately sends your partner a non-verbal cue that they are safe. Doing the opposite will be difficult and perhaps feel impossible, but you will discover it is relationship game-changer.

4. Do not set the record straight 
It is important whenever conflict occurs NOT to set the record straight about what really happened. Neuroscientists have discovered that memory is unreliable. It is impossible to get an accurate account of what happened. Therefore because of the way the mind works, what happened is less important than what needs happen. No matter what your partner says or how they respond, do not defend or justify yourself. Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for their part. They will only see how they contributed to the problem after you have fully owned your own contribution.

5. Take Charge 
In our private practice we have noticed a common confusion around the idea of taking responsibility. Seeing your part in creating or maintaining the disconnection is equated with giving in and taking blame. We all have a fundamental aversion to being wrong. The fear of being wrong is second only to the fear of being bad, because when we were growing up accusations of either exposed us to the danger of disapproval, and therefore threatened our sense of safety. But as adults when we refuse to take responsibility in our relationships we actually diminish our personal power and constrict our range of freedom.

6. Shake off the mood 
The heavy sensation that lingers after we make-up is chemical. It results from the activation of the dorsal motor vagal complex. When our body is physically or emotionally injured the dorsal motor vagas floods the body with opiods and lowers our blood pressure causing us to feel deflated and withdrawn. It is an autonomic bodily protection response. However, to repair our relationship we need to shake off this stupor with laughter, silliness or sex. Even if it feels inauthentic, it is important to remember that it is nothing more than a chemical residue. Our true authenticity lies in our intention to reconnect, not in our moods.

What distinguishes successful couples is the ability to repair. How we handle the breakdown makes all the difference in the world. Don’t be discouraged by conflict. Whether disconnections are frequent or few and far between, they can deepen trust if you step into the repair mode promptly.

Please share with us your experience. We would love to hear from you!

Follow Thea and Duane Harvey on Twitter: www.twitter.com/theaharvey

Read the entire article at the Huffington Post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thea-and-duane-harvey/couples-repair-playbook_b_8431034.html

Turning Conflict Into Passion

Listen to our second interview with Sara and Chase of I-Do Podcast:

What No One Tells You About Marriage

Listen to our first interview with Sara and Chase of I-Do Podcast:

What Grown Up Marriage Looks Like: Huffington Post

What Grown Up Marriage Looks Like

No one is emotionally grown-up all the time. Our earlier selves are not filed away as memories but cordoned off like a half dozen smaller siblings who think it isn’t fair that the biggest makes all the decisions. It doesn’t take much for any one of them to climb the furniture and take over. Marital maturity is not about suppressing these earlier stages, but recognizing when they show up in ourselves and in our partners, and then, before coaxing them back into the highchair, gently remove any sharp utensils they may be welding. As grown-ups, we protect our marriage from ourselves.

Good role models are hard to find. Although no marriage is perfect, we need to have a vision, however ideal, toward which we can direct our appetite for order and adventure. That is what this is: A simple five-course menu to satisfy the circumspect as well as the exploratory palate, with minimal disruption and mess.

1. Secure

Safety is built into the environment. There are no windows left open for someone to fall out of, and the air is fresh and free of pollutants. Marriage is no place for criticism or put-downs, however well intentioned. The unbreakableness of the bond, a kind of necessary illusion, is assumed. We are securely attached. We need a solid base. Emotional safety is a foundational tenet of both Imago Relationship Therapy and Safe Conversations. You can afford to take risks because you know the house won’t collapse. The freedom to deeply depend on another and the privilege of being deeply depended on is a kind of shared amnionic fluid. When we inevitably do let one another down, we recognize the hurt and quickly repair. In this way, the small woundings and salves can foster a growing sense of resilience. The mechanics of safety are commitment and trust. Not just trust in the upper case issues of Money and Sex, but in the small moments of on-going availability and responsiveness. It also helps to know that we interest our partner enough that we can draw on their prolonged undivided attention.

2. Hot

Roll the word erotic off your tongue and notice how it changes your mood, energizes your senses. It’s utterance evokes an electrical charge that makes an ordinary room or a meal magical and otherworldly. It provides energy, promotes focus and transcendence. If that sounds like a drug, it’s because it is. But this addiction is delicate and needs regular feeding. We mustn’t take desire for granted. Sex therapists report that low sexual desire is the fastest growing sexual dysfunction. Among the many contributing factors the one we can immediately do something about is laziness. Good chemistry takes planning. The more we scheme to give pleasure, the more pleasure there is to receive. If desire is already low, sex experts encourage us to simply bypass this first stage and move on to the second stage of arousal by engaging in pleasurable touch.

Even the greatest pleasure can become irritating with mindless repetition. Human beings are, as more than 100 studies show, prone to hedonic adaptation, an innate—and measurable—capacity to become habituated or inured to most life changes, positive or negative. Our senses grow dull to what is most familiar. Intimacy and desire have always felt mutually exclusive, even to researchers. The workaround is enlisting the imagination to discover the strangeness of our partner. Their familiarity is actually a comforting illusion designed to make us feel safe, but we are all ultimately unknowable and unpredictable. Looking at them as if we don’t know them can feel slightly dangerous. Looking at them the way others might see them, as a sexual object, can feel stirring and somehow off limits— in other words, erotic.

Dan Savage has a simple directive for keeping the flame alive: simply be Good, Game and Giving, that is, develop some basic sexual skills, be open to whatever your partner proposes, and in addition to focusing on their pleasure, I would add a fourth G of Greed, for the simple reason that desire begets desire.

3. Adventurous

Marriage is often mistaken for the end of possibility. But if you list and compare the activities of dating singles to committed couples, you will explode the myth of the spontaneity and daring of the dating scene. Dating activities are actually quite predictable and highly planned. When you don’t know the hidden desires and fears of your date you are likely to play it safe because doing otherwise is courting disaster. How were you supposed to know that a class in the seductive art of Japanese bonding would bring on a full blown panic attack? or that the skydiving instructor would remind her of that ex-boyfriend? Dating, to be successful, is a rather conservative game of trial and error. Married couples can experiment and push the limit because they know so much about each other’s threshold for excitement.

Novel experiences release dopamine, which elevates our energy and mood, and generates bonding. The research of social scientist Sonja Lyubomirsky names adventure as a key ingredient for happiness, especially between couples.

Although adventure can certainly promote eroticism, it’s also about tapping into that child-like curiosity toward everything around us. Experience has a tendency to contract on us unless we step out of our comfort zone and explore. Whether international travel, hang gliding, scuba diving, checking out sex shops, trying new restaurants, or trapeze lessons at the Santa Monica Pier, breaking with the safety of routine and habit opens up a depth of bonding that imprints pleasurable associations between people.

4. Imperfect

This one emits a sigh of relief. The project of self-improvement, when applied to our partner, has a limit. As important as it is to strive and grow, it is equality important to relent and relax into the human mess that we ultimately are.

If you have ever tried to teach your partner how to improve their ways hopefully, your experience with whatever aftermath that caused has guaranteed you will not try again. Believe it or not, acceptance is the best device there is for promoting change.

We all struggle with bad habits, bad attitude, rudeness, carelessness, self-righteousness, prejudice, narrow-mindedness, etc. Each one of us is a piece of work. We would do well to remember that we are the primary pain in the ass to those we love. These imperfections are what Dan Savage calls The Price of Admission to be with an otherwise wonderful person. Alain de Botton writes that in marriage “we must choose which sufferings we wish to endure.”

Focus on your partner’s assets and overlook their shortcomings. This applies to physical appearance, personality traits, and behaviors. Make a list all the things you adore about your partner in each of these three categories, review, and share it often. Allowing yourself and your partner to be flawed is liberating, and spurs unexpected growth. Relaxing on the behaviors we want changed, in ourself and our partner, is the first step, but not the last, to crafting new more effective ways of living.

5. Forgiving

How long is it reasonable to hold a grudge against a toddler who made you late for work because of a car seat inspired melt-down? Imagine what it would be like if you let your so-called adult partner off the hook just as quickly. Not easy. But with practice the ventral vagal nerve complex becomes toned and develops a wider range of responses, allowing you to actually choose how to respond to stress or hurt. If you want to let more things roll off your back, you have to practice. Choosing to let it go or address it is up to you, so long as it is a choice. Forgiveness can be learned. Choosing a posture of generosity toward your partner will create the goodwill required for them to switch out the behaviors that hurt you, for those that feel caring. Letting your partner off the hook doesn’t encourage bad behavior, it prevents it.

The easiest way to forgive is to see beyond the adult mask into the eyes of the child. No one is always grown up. Regression is nature’s evolutionary phase of rest before and after developmental strides. If you know your partner well enough to marry them, you should also know that they have no intention of causing you pain. It happens as a result of their own pain.

As grown-ups, we don’t get triggered, at least not often. And when we do we have the ability to listen to complaints while resisting the powerful urge to defend ourselves. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a defense, however well reasoned, only deepens the hole we have dug, or stumbled into. When we grow big our issues get small.

For a personal view into how Thea and I repair from a breakdown, see our Couples Repair Playbook.

Attending to any one of these five menu items makes each of the others easier to absorb. What your grown-up marriage looks like will be up to you. No two relationships are the same. The complexity of flavors we bring out in each other cannot be replicated. The romantic notion of lovers that their connection is absolutely unique is absolutely true. And most of the time that irreplaceable bond wants to grow up and be taken seriously because that’s where the real fun is.

Thea & Duane Harvey

Read the entire article at the Huffington Post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-grown-up-marriage-looks-like_us_58b4b77be4b0658fc20f993d