Perhaps it is because I'm a Scorpio, the astrological sign known to be very sexual, that I find myself teaching and writing about sex. Talking about sex is part of my job description as a couples counselor. Sex, from my perspective, is a powerful, energetic exchange that can fuel intimate relationships and take you to heighten levels of ecstasy. I am sex-positive and promote an accepting and open attitude about sex and sexuality in my life and in my work with couples.
I'm a certified kundalini yoga and meditation instructor in addition to being a licensed marriage and family therapist. In kundalini yoga, sexual energy is our life force energy; it is the energy of creation. After all, sex can create life itself. If our life force energy is damped or shamed, we cannot entirely express and experience our whole self. A vital part of ourselves is diminished. We might feel tired, drained, or uninspired. Our intimate relationships can also suffer because we do not show up fully. Desireless interactions cause us to feel unsatisfied with our connection.
When our intimate relationship is unfulfilling, we feel unhappy, disconnected, and lonely.
Yet, when we are in full alignment with our passionate selves, and our partner can join us in this state, we feel more energized and complete. Our relationship becomes more enriched and satisfying.
Unfortunately, negating or ignoring our sexual energy is all too familiar. There are many reasons why this could occur, such as trauma and disinformation. Talking to your partner about sex can be a meaningful way to reclaim your sexual self. Sex coach and researcher, Pam Costa, found that when women and men started talking about sex, they ended up having more sex.
It's essential to create a safe environment when discussing sex with your partner.
First, set up a time to connect so you are not rushed and can focus your attention on each other. Be curious about what your partner is sharing rather than judgmental.
As an Imago therapist, I teach my couples a structured dialogue that promotes safety. Part of the process is to mirror or repeat what your partner communicates, enabling you to really hear one another.
Listening is seductive and a terrific starting point for creating a gratifying sex life.
An Imago therapist colleague, Sylvia Rosenfeld, created the following sentence stems to help couples start talking about sex. I recommend exploring these communication prompts with your partner to understand your relationship to sex better. Take turns answering and mirroring the responses.
A positive message I received about sex growing up is …
A negative message I received about sex growing up is …
A decision I made as a result of these messages was …
The way that this impacted my past sexual experiences was …
The way that this impacts my current sexual experience is …
A new message I can give myself is …
An action I can practice to reflect that new message is …
As I complete this process, what I experience is …
Talking about sex paves the way for deeper intimacy and helps us reconnect to our sexual energy, our life force energy. It enables us to live a more passionate, full, and authentic life. Communicating about sex lets you and your partner learn more about each other and yourself. It's a skill that ensures greater sexual pleasure and a sustaining and stimulating sex life together.