Sex, Alchemy, and Marriage

This article bridges the field of sex and couples therapy with Jungian psychology. By linking sex therapy to the realms of play, creativity, fantasy, imagination, and spirit, it offers fresh perspectives on sexual experiences within committed relationships. It explores matters of the unconscious and transference between romantic partners and how these relate to the relationship between an analyst and a patient. Drawing inspiration from Carl Jung’s The Psychology of the Transference, this thesis examines the psychological and erotic significance of the Rosarium Philosophorum, a collection of alchemical woodprints from the 16th century, in conjunction with Jung’s concepts. The essay amplifies Jung’s perspective by comparing it to Imago Relationship Therapy, a couples counseling modality. It posits that the Rosarium Philosophorum may provide the formula for a fulfilling, vital, erotic union. The integration of Jungian psychology with sex and couples therapy reveals a novel yet ancient framework for understanding and enhancing intimate relationships.

I vividly remember reading Carl Jung’s The Psychology of the Transference (1954/1974) while airbound to Costa Rica on a family vacation. Suggested by my husband when I expressed an interest in Jung’s use of alchemy, this tome, originally extracted from Jung’s Collected Works, resonated with my role as a certified Imago Relationship tTherapist, where I discovered striking parallels between committed couples and the therapeutic relationship between therapists and clients. Recognizing that couples also experience transferences and possess the power to aid each other’s healing and individuation, I delved deeper into Jung’s insights. Indeed, Jung himself acknowledged this phenomenon in his essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship” (1954/1977), illuminating how transference manifests within married couples and describing how their union serves as a platform for personal growth and psychological projection resolution.

Later, as I embarked on my PhD dissertation in clinical sexology, I revisited The Psychology of the Transference, where Jung used alchemical wood prints to explain transference and the relationship between consciousness and unconsciousness, intentionally overlooking the explicit sexual dimension in the imagery. Through the lens of sex therapy, I embraced the erotic nature inherent in these ancient depictions. In so doing, I unearthed an integrated model of couples and sex therapy that may hold the key to an elusive treasure—the philosopher’s stone.

Reexamining the 16th-century images magnified their significance as I acknowledged their explicit and sexual essence. This integrative approach to couples therapy possesses the possibility to heal both the relational and erotic aspects of committed relationships while also liberating our sexuality from the shadows, leading to a more integrated sense of self. It may even reveal a pathway to unlocking our highest potential.

This treatise delves into the interplay between Jungian psychology, alchemical imagery, and contemporary couples and sex therapy. It sheds light on the intricacies of transference, individuation, and the opportunity for growth and transformation within committed relationships. Blending ancient wisdom and modern insights enriches and enhances our understanding of the human psyche and sexuality.

Jung employed alchemy as a psychological metaphor to elucidate the individuation process—a psychological journey toward an integrated and unified personality—achieved by addressing and resolving unconscious conflicts (Jung, 1954/1974; American Psychological Association, n.d.-c). Jung’s exploration of transference demonstrates how uncovering unconscious material fosters personal growth and wholeness (Jung, 1954/1974). Transference within the therapy room occurs when a client projects unconscious wishes and emotions previously directed at significant figures in their lives, such as parents, onto their therapists (American Psychological Association, n.d.-d). Conversely, countertransference encompasses the therapist’s conscious and unconscious reactions to the client’s transference (American Psychological Association, n.d.-b). It includes the thoughts, emotions, and needs that arise within the therapist in response to the patient’s behavior and psychological content. To elucidate this dynamic, Jung drew inspiration from 16th-century block prints known as the Rosarium Philosophorum (Jung, 1954/1974). I invite the reader  to form interpretations and associations with this wood print (see Figure 1). The reader is encouraged to engage in the Jungian process of active imagination with the image and ask themselves, “How am I affected by this sign?” (Jung, 1960/1981, p. 89). Such an inquiry is part of the process of making the unconscious conscious. The answer to the question can provide valuable insight to consider, assimilate, and possibly generate a new attitude or transcendent function (Jung, 1960/1981).

As I reviewed these alchemical images, I felt my own shame wane as I accepted myself as a sexual being. The wood prints enabled me to embrace sexual intercourse as a transformative and spiritual experience within a historical Western context. These revelations empowered me as a clinician to guide couples to connect more deeply in a profound way.

Alchemy

In the twilight of his life, Jung found himself captivated by the enigmatic world of medieval alchemy (Stein, 1992; von Franz, 1980). Alchemists, encompassing the roles of doctors, philosophers, mathematicians, artisans, and astronomers, were heralded as the pioneers of chemistry. However, alchemy in the Western tradition also carried mystical and occult associations. While its origins trace back to ancient Egypt, the practice proliferated through the Muslim world, India, and China (Holmyard, 1957; Schwartz-Salant, 1998). As it evolved, alchemy assimilated Greek philosophical principles into Egyptian techniques (Keyser, 1990). Often shrouded in secrecy, alchemists embarked on experiments involving the amalgamation of metals, with many pursuing the elusive quest to transmute lead into gold or transform “base metals” into “noble metals” (Keyser, 1990). The underlying aspiration was to refine raw materials and elevate them to a state of purity and perfection. Yet some alchemists delved beyond the physical realm, seeking to refine and advance both the human body and soul (Fraser, 2007; Guiley, 2006; Holmyard, 1957). Thus, alchemy became a vehicle for personal metamorphosis—a sacred technology (Fraser, 2007; Guiley, 2006; Keyser, 1990).

Central to alchemists’ formulas were powerful symbols representing the union of opposites, providing insights into the changeability of relationships (Schwartz-Salant, 1998). These symbols, such as the sun and moon (sol and luna), the eagle and toad, and the king and queen, serve as gateways to the collective psyche, revealing the intricate interplay of transformation within relationships (Willard, 2015).

Among these symbolic representations, the “sacred marriage” between the king and queen was significant in alchemical teachings. Their erotic union symbolized the combining of chemical substances, metaphorically referred to as “bodies” (Stein, 1992; Willard, 2015). Alchemists were deeply captivated by the concept of coniunctio, the mystical erotic union, as it offered a framework for comprehending their elaborate work with compounds and matter (Stein, 1992).

This thesis explores how this ancient alchemical symbolism can apply to couples and sex therapy. These medieval images uncover the nature of modern-day relationships and their untapped potential. As couples navigate and negotiate their differences, the alchemical maxim of blending “opposing” base metals to create gold stands as a compelling metaphor. This maxim normalizes and illuminates how differences forge something more precious and formidable.

An inquiry into the ancient alchemical symbolism unveils the hidden possibilities within intimate relationships and serves as a guide toward fulfilling personal and relational growth, liberating sex from reductionism and dualism. Rather than viewing sexuality as merely a physical impulse or confining it to rigid binaries, a holistic understanding recognizes it as an integral aspect of human existence. This expanded perspective acknowledges the innate spiritual nature of sexuality and its capacity for personal transformation. By embracing a more expansive view of sexual intercourse, individuals and couples can cultivate a harmonious integration of their physical, emotional, and spiritual selves.

The Psychology of the Transference

The Psychology of the Transference, initially published in Zürich in 1946 and later translated into English as part of Jung’s Collected Works, explores alchemical woodcut prints known as the Rosarium Philosophorum (Edinger & Blackmer, 1994). The prints were published in 1550 in Frankfurt by an anonymous author (Willard, 2015). The Rosarium Philosophorum, meaning “The Rosary of the Philosophers,” comprises a collection of symbolic pictures intended for contemplation, akin to a rosary (Schwartz-Salant[VV2] , 1998, p. 231). Engaging with these images offered viewers a revelatory understanding and meaning on a psychic level (Edinger & Blackmer, 1994). Additionally, the Rosarium included a poem, with sections attributed to Zosimos, a Greco-Egyptian alchemist from the 4th century who authored the earliest known books on alchemy (Fraser, 2007). Zosimos viewed himself as a devoted proponent of an ancient, primordial alchemical tradition (Fraser, 2007). We will not herein explore the poem but only focus on the Rosarium imagery.

Within The Psychology of the Transference, Jung examines ten Rosarium illustrations that depict the relationship stages between king and queen archetypes. The woodprints commence at the Mercurian Fountain, representing the beginning of the alchemical journey, and progressively display a courtship between the king and queen. The ensuing illustrations document their sacred union through marriage, followed by disrobing and bathing, symbolic of the purification process. The series climaxes in fornication, culminating in their merging and integration as a unified entity. According to Jung, the king and queen archetypes symbolize the integration of conscious and unconscious aspects of the individual’s psyche. The king represents the conscious, rational, and assertive qualities, while the queen represents the unconscious, intuitive, and nurturing aspects. Together, they symbolize a balanced psychological state (Jung, 1954/1974).

The alchemical symbolism associated with the king and queen archetypes further enriches Jung’s understanding of therapeutic transference. Freud initially introduced the concept of transference, describing it as the client’s tendency to project feelings and emotions onto the therapist based on past relationships (Freud, 1920/1989, p. 550). Both Freud and Jung recognized transference as a vital component of the healing process in therapy (Jung, 1954/1974; Stein, 1992). Jung’s approach to psychological healing involved integrating conscious and unconscious aspects of the individual with the therapist’s guidance. Transference, the basis for analytic psychology, served as a mechanism to achieve integration, leading to a new attitude or transcendent function (Jung, 1960/1981, pp. 73–74).  

The therapist-client relationship shares similarities with the dynamics commonly observed in romantic partnerships (Jung, 1954/1977). Jung’s work reveals how therapeutic content can activate and transform both therapist and client, a process applicable to couples as well (Jung, 1954/1977). Couples, like therapist-client dyads, often find themselves entangled in unconscious and conscious dependencies, reenacting dynamics from childhood (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). In Jung’s (1954/1977) essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship,” he explores the dynamics of marriage and their significance within the context of psychological development. According to Jung, marriage induces personal growth and individuation, the process of integrating and reconciling various aspects of one’s psyche (Jung, 1954/1977). Jung argues that the goal of a healthy marriage is not to eliminate conflicts nor achieve a perfect union but rather to create a container for psychological growth (Jung, 1954/1977).

Jung also referred to the sacred marriage images as the divine “brother-sister pair” (hieros gamos), evoking the incest archetype (Jung, 1954/1974, para. 455). Incest, for Jung, symbolized union with oneself, individuation, and the next stage of development, when projections are integrated. Physician and Jungian -analyst Robert Stein goes further and defines hieros gamos as the archetype of romantic love, —an embodied, erotic soul connection (Stein, 1993). Stein (1993) explains, “This moves the soul’s need for union, which is at the core of the transference phenomena, away from the parent-child archetype toward a transference model based on the equality and mutuality of the brother-sister pair” (p. xvi).  The concept of the brother-sister pair offers a transformative shift from the unconscious and regressive parent-child dynamic that often plagues committed couples. Instead, it symbolizes a more equitable, conscious, and erotic union between partners. The brother-sister model moves away from relational power imbalances and towards creating equality and deeper levels of intimacy. This symbol is my North Star, guiding my clinical work as an Imago Relationship therapist with couples.   

Imago Relationship Therapy

“Imago Relationship Therapy” is a psychodynamic therapeutic modality for couples that strives to form conscious, equitable, loving partnerships through a range of techniques and processes. It maintains a theoretical foundation similar to Jungian philosophy: the psychological integration of unconscious projections leads to individuation and wholeness (Jung, 1954/1974, Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Imago accomplishes this within romantic partnerships, aligning with Jung’s assertions in his essay, “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship” (Jung, 1954/1977). Imago’s theory goes beyond Jung’s perspective, however, and provides a practical and more detailed understanding of how childhood wounds consciously and unconsciously influence adult romantic selection and interactions (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). The dynamics of a love relationship can vary depending on the timing and severity of the most significant and painful childhood wounds (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021).  

The term “imago” derives from Latin, meaning “image” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). Jung used the word “imago” to explain “feeling-toned” complexes, constellations of related concepts or ideas that impact individuals’ reactions and perspectives, often unconsciously (Jung 1956/1976, p. 44, American Psychological Association, n.d.-a). Imago Relationship Therapy adopted this term to represent the composite image that romantic partners form based on their earliest caretakers—typically their parents—which impacts their mate choice and shapes their romantic love relationship. Partners are unconsciously drawn to each other when they encounter positive and negative traits reminiscent of their parents, a phenomenon called an “Imago-Match” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Within the context of their romantic relationship lies an unconscious inclination to reenact the emotional drama of their childhood wounds in the hope of meeting unfulfilled emotional or physical needs (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). Jung (1956/1976) also explained how such unconscious material can resurface:  

“The repression leads to regressive reactivation of an earlier relationship or type of relatedness, in this case the reactivation of the father-imago. “Constellated” (i.e., activated) unconscious contents are, so far as we know, always projected; that is, they are either discovered in external objects, or are said to exist outside one’s own psyche.” (p. 59)

Jung’s ideas of “imago” included the “father-imago” and the “mother-imago” (Jung, 1956/1976). He explained how the repressed conflict reappears in projections. Within Jungian philosophy and Imago, recognizing and integrating unconscious childhood projections can lead to personal and relational growth (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Jung believed that through the mechanism of transference, which he associated with the alchemical mercury, patients could uncover and assimilate their projections, leading to an expanded sense of wholeness, freedom, and joyful aliveness (Jung, 1954/1974). Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-founder of Imago, identifies the “Imago Dialogue” as the mechanism that leads to the transcendent function and dissolves projections (personal communication, January 12, 2024). Imago Dialogue is the alchemical mercury and offers couples a safe and effective structure to listen, validate, and empathize with each other, thereby healing their conscious and unconscious childhood wounding that reappears in their relationship conflicts (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). The dialogical structure cultivates a more equitable form of communication rather one that is hierarchical. It enables couples to truly hear and see each other.         

By elucidating the complex dynamics of romantic relationships and their connections to childhood experiences, Imago Relationship Therapy offers a valuable framework for understanding and facilitating healing in couples as Jung proposed. Integrating Jungian principles further enriches this therapeutic approach, emphasizing the transformative potential of exploring unconscious projections and the pursuit of wholeness illustrated by the 16th-century Rosarium woodprints.

Sex Therapy

In his exploration of alchemical symbolism, Jung approached the woodprints of the Rosarium Philosophorum not from a sexual perspective but rather as symbolic representations. However, considering the sexual interpretations of these illustrations casts new avenues for understanding on how committed couples can evolve and grow through sexual intercourse. By reinterpreting these prints within the context of sexology, the meaning of sex expands beyond mere physical pleasure and reproduction. Unlike traditional sex therapy, which focuses primarily on curing dysfunctions, this perspective recognizes sex as a means for enhancement and even transcendence. It acknowledges sexual intercourse as an essential element of committed unions and a spiritual experience. Through intercourse, the king and queen go through a powerful metamorphosis. Stein posits that romantic relationships can only evolve when there is a spiritual connection in sexual union (Stein, 1993, p. 180). 

The integration of sexology with depth psychology reveals the archetypal nature of sexuality. By exploring symbols, myths, fantasy, alchemy, and spirituality, our comprehension of sexuality becomes enriched and enlarged. Our internal sexual images determine our experiences (Stein, 1993, p. 180). Interacting with and interpreting sexual images becomes a therapeutic process that brings unconscious material to consciousness, facilitating insight and awareness.

Couples are encouraged to make conscious sexual choices rather than being entangled in automatic and unconscious reactions. Sex transforms into an artistic and sacred practice, similar to Tantra, which emerged from alchemy in the East (Guiley, 2006). By connecting sexuality to spirituality and archetypal images, individuals and couples can enhance their sense of self, overcoming perceived limitations and faults. They can engage in the Tantric practice of divinity role-playing, which enables them to tap into their inherent god-like nature, elevating their self-esteem and promoting higher levels of consciousness.

In the Office

Stephanie and George, a couple undergoing therapy in my Santa Monica practice, embarked upon an alchemical transformation that enabled individuation and reignited an erotic connection. Both were dedicated parents to two young boys while holding down full-time jobs, but Stephanie felt overwhelmed as she believed all household responsibilities were placed upon her. In contrast, George felt criticized and controlled, reluctant to assist with household chores. These perceived roles strained their marriage, creating tension, minimal affection, and infrequent sex.

The first phase of therapy focused on addressing their resents towards each other and resolving unconscious projections. Using the Imago Dialogue structure, Stephanie and George shifted from their intractable stances by listening rather than provoking each other. They realized their dynamic felt similar to interactions they respectively experienced as a children with their parents. Stephanie connected her feelings of being overwhelmed as an only child and latch-key kid, where her parents put an inexorable responsibility on her shoulders. At the same time, George unearthed memories of feeling persistently criticized by his mother, where nothing he did met her standards. Their exploration of these childhood wounds led to a deeper empathy for each other, moving from arguments into seeking understanding. Stephanie and George learned to negotiate household tasks calmly and collaboratively as their therapy progressed. They integrated rather than reacted to their unconscious content, invoking a “transcendent function,” as Jung (1960/1981) would say (para. 131).

Despite communicating more effectively, their physical connection remained lacking. When couples get along, they often live parallel lives and do not reengage sexually. As we broached this part of their relationship, I made it clear that perfunctory or obligatory sex were not options, and instead presented sex as a regenerative force that would brings fun, passion, and vitality to themselves and their union.

To begin, I suggested taking sexual intercourse off the table, as there is nothing less sexy than demanding sex. Stephanie had to feel comfortable saying “no” to sex in order to be able to say “yes,” which brought an equal balance to the relationship as represented by the king and queen alchemical wood prints. Additionally, I addressed the narrow perspective of sex primarily revolving around physical penetration so often seen in American couples. I sought to broaden their understanding of intimacy as a mutually pleasurable and spiritual experience.

Encouraging them to designate a dedicated weekly time to reenact moments of sensuality became a turning point of our sessions. Scheduling time together lowered their anxiety because they no longer wondered when they would have sex. As we reintroduced sexuality into their relationship, we explored ways of infusing these moments with stated preferences and creativity. We charted an avant-garde course by identifying their “turn-ons,” stimulating their imaginations through suggestions of role-play, and facilitating open discussions around their sexual fantasies.

Introducing the idea of sexual archetypes, I explained how, during role-playing, they could safely act out sexual transgressions that were arousing and tantalizing. They could also heighten their experience by taking on the roles of gods and goddesses, bringing a spiritual element into their eroticism. This evolution transformed “sex” into what they termed “Sexy Time,” a fluid and multi-dimensional experience that included penetration sometimes, but also explored a wide array of sensual encounters beyond it.

Through this expansion and redefinition of intimacy, Stephanie and George reconnected with each other and themselves. They encountered their relationship in a new light, breaking free from the confines of their previous perceptions and experiencing a deeper connection and greater mutual pleasure.

Perhaps the philosopher’s stone is the formula for a long-lasting, satisfying, and erotic union. By interpreting alchemical symbols as intricate guides akin to the practices of Indian Tantrism, couples can embark on a transformative journey, fostering personal growth and relational harmony (Guiley, 2006). The cryptic and often misunderstood nature of alchemical symbology in the Western context has perhaps veiled a fascinating and dynamic sexual history. Biases within Western academia have contributed to the neglect of this secret sexual history, leaving it largely unexplored and poorly understood (Bogdan & Starr, 2012). Unearthing these concealed aspects could revolutionize Western perspectives on sex within marriage, prompting a reevaluation and newfound appreciation for the developmental and transcendental expansiveness of marital and sexual experiences.

In fusing Jungian psychology and Imago Relationship Therapy with alchemical sexual symbology, an innovative framework emerges, offering holistic and integrated therapeutic interventions. Through my close examination of the Rosarium Philosophorum woodprints, I not only cultivated greater self-acceptance and personal pleasure but also forged a more fulfilling, erotic, and spiritual union with my husband. This process empowered me to guide couples in my clinical practice toward  experiencing a deeper, more equitable, intimate connection and intimacy than they ever deemed possible. Sex has the ready-made potential of becoming a process of interactive, interpersonal active imagination, pushing the personal over an archetypal edge, swirling transference and counter-transference between couples in an ever-expanding container of transformation. As we combine alchemical symbolism, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Jungian psychology, personal and relational metamorphosis becomes conceivable and achievable.

FURTHER READING

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-a). Complex. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/complex

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-b). Countertransference. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/countertransference

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-c). Individuation. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/individuation

American Psychological Association. (n.d.-d). Transference. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/transference

Bogdan, H., & Starr, M. P. (Eds.). (2012). Aleister Crowley and Western esotericism. Oxford University Press.

Edinger, E. F., & Blackmer, J. D. (1994). Mystery of the coniunctio: Alchemical image of individuation: Lecture studies in Jungian psychology by Jungian analysts. Inner City Books.

Freud, S. (1989). Introductory lectures on psycho-analysis. W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. (Original work published 1920)

Fraser, K. A. (2007). Baptised in Gnosis: The spiritual alchemy of Zosimos of Panopolis. Dionysius, 25, 33–54.

Guiley, R. E. (2006). The encyclopedia of magic and alchemy. Infobase Publishing.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2021). Doing Imago relationship therapy in the space-between. W. W. Norton and Company, Inc.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.

Holmyard, E. J. (1957). Alchemy. Penguin Books Ltd.

Jung, C. G. (1974). The psychology of the transference (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1954)

Jung, C. G. (1976) The hymn of creation (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 5, pp. 39–78). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1956)

Jung, C. G. (1977). Marriage as a psychological relationship (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 17, pp. 187–201). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1954)

Jung, C. G. (1981). The transcendent function (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 8, pp. 67–91). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1960)

Keyser, P. T. (1990). Alchemy in the ancient world: From science to magic. Illinois Classical Studies, 15(2), 353–378.

Schwartz-Salant, N. (1998). The mystery of human relationships. Routledge.

Stein, M. (1992). Understanding the meaning of alchemy: Jung’s metaphor for the transformation process [Speech audio recording]. C. G. Jung Institute of Chicago. http:/jungchicago.org/blog/understanding-the-meaning-of-alchemy-jungs-metaphor-for-the-transformative-process/.

Stein, R. (1993). Incest and human love. Spring Publications, Inc.

von Franz, M. L. (1980). Alchemy: An introduction to the symbolism and the psychology. Inner City Books.

Willard, T. (2015). Beya and Gabricus: Erotic imagery in German alchemy. Mediaevistik, 28(1), 269–281. https://doi.org/10.3726/83024_269

This manuscript is an earlier version before publication. Access the published copy here (requires payment).

Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy: The Art of Encouraging Erotic Imagination

As adults, we tend to focus on managing our work schedules, running our homes, and caring for others. In the process, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and lose our sense of fun and adventure, especially when it comes to sex. As every couples therapist knows, this rut has the potential to unravel our romantic relationships. Luckily, we don’t have to ditch our daily roles and responsibilities to reenergize our partnerships.

“Fantasy and friction make for a great sex life,” sexual health pioneer Helen Singer Kaplan famously said. But when therapists address couples’ sex lives, we sometimes overfocus on everyday realities—Who initiates sex? How often? Could you establish a date night? What do you need to feel receptive to one another? Are there underlying resentments we need to look at? These questions are worth discussing, but so is another, less talked about, more internal and creative source of erotic energy: partners’ sexual imaginations.

Through my own experiences as an Imago Relationship and AASECT-certified therapist, I’ve learned to explore sexual fantasies to unlock partners’ imaginations and help them cultivate intimacy. I’ve stumbled many times as a therapist navigating my clients’ sensitivities and misconceptions about sexual fantasies, which are often shrouded in guilt and shame—making them relational land mines. Each clinical gaffe I’ve made has helped me adjust my approach and work to understand my clients’ perspectives better, even as I seek new ways to transform potential land mines into sources of creativity and intimacy. This was the case with Juan and Estella, a distressed couple I saw recently, for whom sexual fantasy was a taboo subject.

Dreams We Have While Awake

The atmosphere in my Santa Monica therapy office sizzles with electricity—and not the good kind. Juan, a former Navy Seal in his mid-40s, sits across from his wife, Estella, a past beauty pageant winner, who currently works as a broadcaster on a local news channel. Like many couples, Juan and Estella sought counseling because they struggled to connect emotionally and physically. Juan’s recent erectile dysfunction had intensified their challenges. The physical closeness they’d once shared had become awkward, leaving them frustrated and bristly. This isn’t uncommon: once the romantic phase of a relationship ends, many couples struggle with desire.

Earlier in the session, we’d spoken about what their sex life had been like before Juan’s challenges keeping an erection. Juan had explained that he gets anxious right before he comes because he doesn’t want to fantasize about anyone other than Estella in those moments.

“It’s okay to have sexual fantasies about someone else,” I say nonchalantly.

“Wait, what? How can you say that?” Juan asserts emphatically, furrowing his brow. “That’s cheating!”

I notice that Estella reacts, too, frowning as her cheeks and neck redden.

“Are you saying Juan should think about other women while having sex with me?” Her voice is chilly. Despite her diminutive physical size, her presence is formidable, and my chest tightens. The truth is their reaction surprises me. I’ve never considered extradyadic fantasies as constituting unfaithfulness, but I can see that by inadvertently offending one of their relationship values, I’ve elicited defensiveness. But I’ve learned something, too. Is this part of what’s at the root of their sexual difficulties? Do Juan and Estella fear and misunderstand the nature of sexual fantasies, which can be a potent driver of desire and arousal?

“Estella made me promise to think only about her during sex,” Juan continues, his gaze shifting toward his wife. “So now I only think of her.”

“If Juan thinks about someone else during sex,” Estella interjects, with a mixture of sadness and anger, “it means I’m not enough.”

“First of all, your feelings and perspectives are valid,” I assure them both. “But thinking of someone other than your partner during sex isn’t just common: it’s natural. It doesn’t necessarily reflect a lack of commitment or desire in the relationship. Many people imagine others during foreplay or sex with their partner.”

“That’s a relief to hear,” Juan says. “I guess you’d know. Thing is, I become so preoccupied with the fear of thinking about someone else that I actually end up losing my erection with Estella. We both get frustrated and give up. And I feel like I’ve failed her.”

“When he loses his erection,” Estella says, “I can’t help but take it personally. I begin telling myself, ‘He no longer finds me attractive. If he did, he’d stay hard.’”

From the beginning of my work with any couple, I make a point of addressing sexuality directly. I want to convey my own comfort level discussing desire, the body, and arousal, to help them share their sex life openly with each other. Throughout my sessions with Juan and Estella, I gauge the level of their anxiety. Anxiety dampens sex drive and arousal. Hopefully our conversation serves as a bridge—a channel through which their unspoken fears and struggles can begin to surface, creating an opportunity for deeper understanding, connection, and pleasure.

“Juan, would you judge yourself for the dreams you have while sleeping?” I ask.

“Of course not,” he responds, looking puzzled. “I can’t really control my dreams.”

“Sexual fantasies are kind of like dreams we have while we’re awake,” I explain. “Often, they arise involuntarily, particularly during sex. Fantasies reside in the realm of imagination. Attempting to control this part of your psyche with judgment can stifle joy and pleasure. What if, instead of feeling threatened by fantasies, you were curious about them? What if you shared your fantasies with one another? Or even cultivated them together?”

“I don’t know.” Estella shifts backward in her chair and crosses her arms over her chest, forming a literal barricade against the conversation we’re having.

“His commitment and attraction center on you,” I say, hoping to reassure her that it’s okay to imagine and explore possibilities; her attachment to Juan is safe. But it’s clear she feels uneasy and skeptical. “You and Juan have chosen each other as lovers. Remember, many of the fantasies we have aren’t about things we plan to do in reality. Sexual fantasies don’t have to diminish your bond. What if they actually enhanced it by infusing your relationship with novelty and intimacy?”

I’m aware that I’m talking a lot, probably because I’m a little anxious myself, but something must have landed with Estella, because she uncrosses her arms and sighs.

“I’d like to feel more relaxed in bed,” Juan says. He scans Estella’s face, and exhales.

They both seem to be recalibrating and taking in what I’ve said. Many people need reassurance that there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about them simply because they have sexual fantasies. Learning that sexual fantasies are a healthy aspect of sexual functioning can help lower a couple’s anxiety.

“I’ll try my best not to worry so much about what you’re thinking,” Estella says.

“Here’s my recommendation,” I say. “Over the next week, would you be willing to set aside three minutes each day to cultivate a sexual fantasy about each other? Let it be naughty, kinky—whatever. Don’t judge it; just allow it to unfold in your imagination.”

Sensual Touch

Touch transcends the mundane, enabling couples to experience physical pleasure, profound intimacy, and an unspoken connection. As a matter of fact, touch is vital for our survival. Babies perish if they are not held even if they are given proper nutrition. Many couples are touch starved. Consequently, their relationship suffers. Don't deny yourself the delights of touching through melting hugs, intertwined fingers, and gentle embraces.

Schedule time with your partner for a sensual opportunity to explore and heighten your experience of touch. Together, play with these suggestions:

1. Sensitivity and Exploration: The skin, our body's largest sensory organ, is teeming with nerve endings. Approach touch mindfully and deliberately to uncover new erogenous zones and varying degrees of sensitivity. Experiment with different textures such as silk, feathers, or massage oils. To escalate the experience, try blindfolding yourself and feel these textures anew.

2. Variety and Techniques: Enhance pleasure by experimenting with various types of touch and techniques. From light caresses to firm pressure, altering the intensity, speed, and pattern of touch can elicit a spectrum of sensations, building anticipation and intimacy.

3. Non-Genital Touch: Expand your exploration beyond sexual touch by focusing on the entire body's responsiveness. Delve into less obvious erogenous zones like the neck, ears, inner thighs, abdomen, or back. Observe the unique responses and gratification derived from these areas.

4. Communication and Consent: Recognize that touch is deeply personal, varying from person to person. Effective communication is paramount. Engage in open discussions about preferences, boundaries, and desires with your partner. Seek and provide feedback to ensure the shared touch is mutually enjoyable and consensual.

5. Sensual Massage: Incorporating massage into your sexual experiences can be a powerful way to engage the sense of touch. Take turns massaging each other with sensual oils or lotions, paying attention to areas of tension and relaxation. This can create an increased sense of intimacy, relaxation, and pleasure.

6. Emotional Connection: Touch goes beyond physical pleasure; it can deepen emotional connections. Cuddling and holding hands nurture closeness and connection with your partner. The power of touch extends to positively influence emotional well-being.

By exploring the various facets of touch, couples enhance their physical connection and deepen emotional bonds. Each person has unique preferences regarding touch, so prioritize open and honest communication to create intimate moments that are consensual, comfortable, and pleasurable for both partners. To safely incorporate touch into your relationship, check out our carefully crafted step-by-step guided audio meditations, The Pleasure Meditations for Couples, to guide you through the progressive stages of physical connection, from safety and relaxation to heightened phases of erotic arousal.

Savoring Sensuality: The Enchanting Delight of Aromas

The sense of smell is a powerful yet often overlooked aspect of our sexual experiences. It has the ability to evoke memories, trigger emotions, and enhance our perception of pleasure. Here are some further insights into the sense of smell in the context of sexuality:

1. Arousal and Attraction: Smells can be highly evocative and can play a significant role in sexual attraction. Certain scents, such as pheromones, can naturally increase arousal and desire between partners. Pay attention to the scents that attract you to your partner and vice versa, as they can enhance the overall sexual chemistry.

2. Sensual Ambiance: Creating a fragrant ambiance can elevate the mood and enhance the sensual experience. Consider using scented candles, incense, or essential oils in the bedroom to create a pleasant and inviting atmosphere. Scents such as lavender, jasmine, ylang-ylang, or sandalwood are known for their aphrodisiac properties and can promote relaxation and arousal. One study of menopausal women found that aromatherapy improved sexual functioning and menopausal anxiety and depression (Mojtehedi, Pourmehr, Ostadrahimi, et al., 2022).

3. Memory and Emotional Associations: Smells can trigger powerful memories and emotions. By incorporating scents that have positive associations for you or your partner, you can create a deeper emotional connection during sexual encounters. For example, using a fragrance that reminds you of a special moment or wearing a scent your partner finds particularly appealing can enhance the overall experience.

4. Sensual Products: Numerous sensual products are available that incorporate pleasant scents to enhance sexual pleasure. From scented massage oils to perfumed body lotions, these products can add an extra dimension of sensory delight to your intimate moments. Experiment with different scents to find what resonates with you and your partner.

5. Mutual Exploration: Engage in a mutual exploration of scents with your partner. Take turns blindfolding each other and using scented objects or foods to stimulate the sense of smell. This can create anticipation, surprise, and heightened sensitivity as you explore the scents together.

Everyone has their scent preferences, so it's important to communicate and respect each other's boundaries. Be mindful of sensitivities or allergies to certain scents and choose safe and enjoyable products for both partners. By incorporating the sense of smell into your sexual experiences, you can add a unique and pleasurable dimension to your intimate connection.

Savoring Sensuality: How Taste Elevates Your Sexual Experience

The sense of taste can be a powerful tool to enhance your sexual experience. By incorporating taste into your intimate moments, you can add an extra dimension of pleasure and sensory stimulation. Here are some further details on exploring the sense of taste during lovemaking:

1. Edible Treats: Incorporating edible treats into your sexual play can be fun and exciting. Consider using fruits like strawberries, grapes, or cherries, which can be sensually fed to your partner or used in creative ways. You can also try using edible body paints, honey, or chocolate syrup to explore different tastes and textures on your partner's body.

2. Sensual Foods: Experiment with incorporating sensual foods into your lovemaking experience. Dark chocolate, known for its aphrodisiac properties, can be shared and savored together. Whipped cream or flavored oils can be delicately applied and licked off the body, creating an indulgent and erotic experience.

3. Flavored Products: There are various flavored products available specifically designed for sexual play. Flavored lubricants, for example, come in a wide range of flavors such as strawberry, chocolate, or exotic fruits. They can be applied to erogenous zones or used during oral stimulation to add a delicious taste to your intimate encounters.

4. Mindfulness: Another way to engage the sense of taste is by mindfully savoring each other's kisses and exploring the taste of your partner's skin. Take your time to kiss and lick different areas of the body, paying attention to the unique flavors and sensations. This can create a deeper connection and heighten your sensory experience.

5. Personal Preferences: It's essential to consider personal preferences and any dietary restrictions or allergies when incorporating taste into your intimate moments. Please communicate with your partner about their likes, dislikes, and boundaries to ensure a comfortable and enjoyable experience for both of you.

Remember, the sense of taste is highly subjective, and what one person finds pleasurable may not be the same for another. Communication, consent, and exploration are key to discovering what works best for you and your partner, ensuring a more fulfilling and intimate experience. For added variety and playfulness in your intimacy, check out "Erotic Tasting Menu," which can introduce exciting new ways to engage the sense of taste and elevate your sensual encounters.

Slow Sex Down with the 5 Senses

“Go five times slower,” the New York Times quoted @sexwithemily, author and sex educator on how to have better sex. How do you slow down in sex? To master the experience, you need to move your awareness into your body. The body is where you feel pleasure. By arousing the five senses, you can assist yourself in feeling desire and cultivating sensual experiences. By identifying the gifts of each sense, you can deepen your lovemaking experience. You first need to hone your awareness of each sense to enhance your lovemaking. The five senses are taste, touch, sight, hearing, and smell. Slowing down in sex and improving the experience by engaging the five senses can lead to a deeper and more pleasurable connection with your partner. Here are some ways you can focus on each sense to cultivate a more sensual experience:

1. Taste: Explore the sense of taste by savoring a glass of wine together and indulging in sensual foods like strawberries and chocolates. Take it further and play with whipped cream and karma sutra body honey dust. Take your time to enjoy the flavors and the sensations.

2. Touch: Emphasize the sense of touch by engaging in slow, sensual caresses and massages. Use different textures such as silk, feathers, or massage oils to heighten sensitivity. Pay attention to the entire body, exploring erogenous zones and using varying degrees of pressure and speed to enhance pleasure. To learn more and cultivate your sense of touch, try our guided couples meditations.

3. Sight: Create an appealing visual ambiance by setting the mood with soft lighting, candles, or dimmed lamps. Use visually stimulating elements such as sexy lingerie, erotic artwork, or a strategically placed mirror to enhance the visual experience. Maintain eye contact with your partner to deepen the emotional and intimate connection.

4. Hearing: Incorporate the sense of hearing by playing your favorite sexy songs, spa music, or your partner's voice to create an arousing atmosphere. The sounds of moans, whispers, or gentle sighs can add an extra layer of intimacy. Communicate with your partner, expressing your desires and actively listening to their cues and feedback.

5. Smell: Engage the sense of smell using scented candles, essential oils, or incense to create a sensual ambiance. Experiment with fragrances known for their aphrodisiac properties, such as lavender, jasmine, or ylang-ylang. Take deep breaths to fully immerse yourself in the scents and let them enhance your experience.

Slowing down and incorporating the senses are crucial for enhancing sexual experiences. Being fully present and in the moment can heighten pleasure and create a deeper connection with your partner. Pay attention to your and your partner's sensations, fostering open communication to ensure both of you are comfortable and enjoying the experience. Variety in sexual scenarios and repertoires is essential for maintaining desire and keeping the spark alive in a relationship. By discussing and planning for intimate indoor dates that engage the senses, couples can explore new possibilities and safely embrace a more embodied experience. You can unlock new levels of sensual pleasure and intimacy by delighting in each other's sensory systems and taking the time to individually and jointly delight in the senses.

The Love Freq Podcast Featuring Duane & Thea Harvey

Listen to Duane and Thea share their tips to create a secure, satisfying, and sexual relationship on The Love Freq Podcast.

Make Time for Sex

We have all seen the scene in the movie when a man and a woman become overwhelmed with passion, and they find themselves in a hurried embrace that leads to steamy, spontaneous sex. Those moments are erotic, but for committed couples, impromptu sex doesn’t often materialize. That doesn’t mean your sex life has to suffer on the contrary. Rather than waiting for impassioned desire, decide to learn the art and pleasure of sex. In doing so, you’ll improve your relationship and your overall health and wellbeing.

With our smartphones constantly at our command, it is challenging to get our undivided attention. At any given moment, we might be responding to a pressing email, reading a disturbing headline, or locked in an addictive video game. We are running our own individual movie in our minds and balancing competing desires throughout the day. Part of ourselves may want to watch TV; the other part may want to go to sleep. Our partner also has their own story running throughout the day. So it is not very likely that your partner’s mind and body are ready for sex at the same time as you. Since this is the case, it is helpful to plan your sexual rendezvous. In doing so, you and your partner can intentionally prepare and anticipate.

Schedule an indoor date. For example, set time aside on Friday night to be intimate. If you have children give them extra screen time so you can have alone time. Lock your bedroom door and luxuriate in each other. What your indoor date entails can vary from date to date. To get some ideas, view my earlier blog on creating an erotic menu. Plan an evening that includes activities that you both desire. In the planning process, you can learn about yourself and your partner, your turn-ons and turn-offs, and particular fantasies.

Another approach is the 72-hour date. No, it’s not a date that lasts 72 hours, although that would be nice. Instead, you let your partner know you are interested in having sex, and then you plan on having sex 72 hours later. Anticipation builds and allows you both to prepare to be intimate. Sometimes this approach elevates the pressure of having sex immediately.

Sex therapist, Amy Color, recommends using a candy dish to communicate sexual interest. You place an M&M in a bowl to let your partner know you are interested in some sugar, meaning sex. Different types of candy represent desired sexual acts. Have fun with your partner as you match up candy with your favorite turn-ons.

Life without sex becomes withered, tired, and drained. The joie de vivre is lost. Without sex, life becomes mechanical and boring. Sex brings the spring. It is the breath of the relationship and gives it life and dimension. It creates energy and excitement rather than resentment and indifference. In a landmark relationship study, researchers found that sexual satisfaction was one of the main components that predicted a person’s happiness in their partnership. When you give yourself to your partner, you solidify your bond. You fulfill the relationship pack and fully show up. Your brain registers each positive interaction you have with your partner reprogramming you for pleasure.

Sexual intimacy allows you to discover more about yourself and your partner and experience ecstasy in the process. It produces the euphoric high of exercising because orgasms release endorphins and give you a sense of wellbeing. There are several health benefits to having sex. It boosts the immune system, strengthens the heart, and produces a calming effect that is more effective than Valium. It also increases your libido. When you have sex, you want more sex. Sex can help you release stress and help you sleep.

Prioritize your intimacy and plan indoor dates. Cultivate a Yes attitude around sex and your health, and your relationship will benefit. Determine that sex is a valuable and vital part of your partnership and schedule your intimacy. Indoor dates will bring the spark into your relationship, and you’ll feel younger and more vibrant. Remember check out some indoor date ideas here. Enjoy!

Sex Store Date

What images come to mind when you think of a sex store? If you picture a dark, seedy shop, think again. Before we went into quarantine, my husband and I decided to mix things up by visiting our local sex store, Secret Desires. It turned out to be an informative and stimulating evening—ideal ingredients for a satisfying and connected relationship. Our excursion prompted conservations about what arouses us sexually. It was such a positive experience, I now recommend it to the couples I see in my practice.

As I entered, I was immediately struck by how the store catered to women. To the left of the entrance were shelves of cute, seductive, high-heeled shoes and racks of black, lacy stockings. Further in were silky lingerie and bright-colored bathing suits. I began to feel at ease, surrounded by these familiar objects. A preppy woman laughing caught my attention. She held what appeared to be a small, cardboard children's book. When I glanced over her shoulder, I saw that it was a humorous adult parody called, "The Little Penis." As I moved deeper into the store, I found couples games, oils, and incense. There was a whole bachelorette section of over-the-top frivolity and then a wall of vibrators that were pink and lavender and looked like candy. At the far corner were black leather whips and handcuffs marketed in a slick and sophisticated manner.

Secret Desires was not a shady sex store. The manager, Jason, explained, "The sex industry has changed a lot over the last few years. It caters much more to women and couples."

Indeed it was entertaining to see all the creative objects on sale. My husband, Duane, and I were delighted to see many products that brought up animated conversations.

Duane and I are both licensed marriage and family therapists. We specialize in working with couples and are comfortable talking about sex with each other and our clients. Many of our couples suffer from a lack of sexual desire. In an earlier blog piece, I explain how talking about sex can lead couples to have more sex. Visiting a sex store can be a fruitful conversation starter as you learn more about each other's preferences, fantasies, and erogenous zones. Also, adding novelty is a crucial component in keeping marriages and long-term relationships fresh and exciting. Entering a sex store can offer something new.

When exploring, it is essential to refrain from criticizing, blaming, or shaming. Even sarcasm can be misinterpreted as an insult or an affront, killing the mood immediately. Be curious and have a "yes, and" mindset. Putting this into action can be as simple as being open to listen and perhaps experiment the next time your partner proposes trying something new. If you are uncomfortable with a suggestion, offer another possibility instead. Allow your shopping experience to inform your erotic tasting menu. Learn more about the erotic tasting menu in my previous blog.

Upon my recommendation, one of my client couples ventured into Secret Desires. The husband had undergone several surgeries making conventional sex impossible. Their lack of intimacy was taking a toll on their connection. With the salesperson's help, they discovered tantalizing alternatives to turn up the heat in the bedroom.

In another couple, the wife suffered from vaginismus. For many years, they did not have sex or even talk about her diagnosis. A rift emerged between them, and they came to me for help. As part of their treatment, I prescribed Secret Desires. They found a vaginal dilator set that helped them rediscover sexual intimacy again.

Every couple is unique in their sexual history, preferences, and desires. No two couples are alike. Also, couples change throughout their relationship, which means their sex life changes too. It's important to know you don't need to feel stuck in your sex life. Options and help are available to bring back the spark in your relationship. Please reach out to Duane or myself if you are not making headway on your own.

If you don't feel comfortable going to a store, investigate a store online together. Some favorites are Cupid's Closet, Adam & Eve, and Lovehoney. As a precursor to your sex shop date, share this article with your partner. The most important thing is to have fun as you explore together.

Erotic Tasting Menu

Most couples talk more about what they are going to eat for dinner than their sex lives—causing them to get stuck in the same routine and never ask for what they want or explore what they desire. Eating the same dish can be dissatisfying over time. Lack of communication frequently is what drives couples apart. In an earlier blog piece, I encouraged couples to start talking about sex to have more sex. In this blog post, I teach you how to prepare an erotic menu, starting with arousing appetizers and ending with orgasmic deserts. An erotic menu is a checklist of what stimulates you and your partner.

First, decide where you want to have sex. The bedroom is an obvious choice, but you are certainly not limited to only the bedroom! Organize your chosen space to awaken your desires. One client decided to remove family photos and piles of clothes and papers from her bedroom. In doing so, she felt less burdened, and it was easier for her to connect to her sexual self. Her creativity opened up, and she bought new bedding and pillows that felt silky to touch. She muted the lighting by covering lamp lights with colorful scarves forming soft hues. In stylizing her environment, she became more sexually empowered by tapping into and implementing what brought her pleasure.

Music can be very erotic and help to create a sensual space. Does music cultivate your sensuality? If so, what type of music? How about for your partner? Play spa music if you have never incorporated sound as part of your sexual diet.

As you begin to put together your erotic menu, ask yourself, what turns you on? What makes for an ideal sexual experience for yourself and your partner?

As you think about what stimulates you, explore what activates your five senses. Your sense of taste, touch, smell, hearing, and sight bring you into your bodies. The more we can tap into our bodies, the more we can experience heightened desire and enjoyment. For example, music piques your sense of hearing. A romantic dinner awakens your sense of taste, a classic prelude to an intimate evening. Food also entices pleasureful emotions. Perhaps, feed each other chocolates. Or experiment with Honey Dust, a kissable body powder.

Lingerie can capture your sense of sight, and the fabric can stimulate your sense of touch. Burning scented candles evokes your sense of sight and smell. The warm light eases the mood, and the fragrance rouses your olfactory system. Throughout history, essential oils were used as natural love potions. Discover for yourself if certain smells boost you and your partner's libido. Try oils like rose, lavender, clary sage, and ylang ylang.

Another favorite starter is practicing one of our Pleasure Meditations for Couples. Pleasure Meditations for Couples are a series of guided meditations for couples that focus on exploring your sense of touch. The meditations are designed to safely bring you and your partner into the sensations of your bodies and increase your capacity for pleasure. We also offer a series of Embodied Couples Practices that are a mixture of Thai yoga massage and couples yoga to help you and your partner unwind. The practices enable you to bond with one another while releasing layers of stress and transitioning into an erotic space.

Another way to augment pleasureful sensations in the body is by using cannabis. Similar to essential oils, for centuries, cannabis was used as a natural aphrodisiac. Now legal in many states, marijuana might be an effective way for you and your partner to relax and enjoy sexy time together. Many of the healing properties of the plant make it a potent remedy for arousal. There are several cannabis-infused products on the market. An erotic starter, maybe you and your partner researching which products to explore.

The entree of your erotic tasting menu might be sexual intercourse. Although, other options to consider are lying naked together, oral sex, or sex toy play. Sometimes your partner might have had an injury or is unable to have sexual intercourse. Don't let this prohibit you from being intimate. You can expand your entree repertoire to satisfy your sex drive. Another titillating option if intercourse is not on the menu is masturbating and reaching an orgasmic release under your partner's gaze.

No need to say no to dessert; dessert may consist of multiple orgasms! Or, more common, one partner peaks before the other. You and your partner can discuss beforehand how to navigate such situations. For instance, the partner that hasn't yet orgasmed can continue to be stimulated by using fingers, hands, or sex toys. At other times, one of you may decide not to climax and build up the sexual energy for a midnight snack. Discuss how you want to end your erotic adventure, so the experience is satisfying for both of you.

To tempt your appetite, I included a sample erotic menu below. These are only a few ideas and suggestions. There are many more; I'd love for you to share some of your personal favorites with me. It is perfectly normal for you and your partner to desire different things. Look for where there are similarities and discover what you are both willing to try. When you are sharing your preferences, reframe from being judgmental, criticizing, or shaming. These are immediate turn-offs and will quickly extinguish a sexual mood. Rather be curious, generous, and willing. Like, dining at the finest restaurant indulge.

The Lost Art of the Handjob

It is common for partners in a relationship to experience varying levels of sexual desire. Asynchronous sexual desire can create stress and conflict within couples. As a sex therapist and a certified Imago Relationship therapist, I help couples work through their differences. One way is for couples to broaden the definition of sex to incorporate a profusion of sexual delights beyond sexual intercourse. You can read more about how to do that here. As romantic partners expand their definition of sex, they discover or rediscover pleasurable ways to be intimate. Handjobs are an example of how couples can enjoy sexy time together without having intercourse. The following are some hand sex tips taught by Amy Jo Goddard to send your partner into another stratosphere of pleasance. By couples adding to their erotic repertoire, physical intimacy can be a time of play and safe exploration.

Often, Handjobs are thought of as a teenage alternative to sex. They are overlooked or rushed over, viewed as a precursor to sex rather than the main event. In actuality, handjobs are a fabulous substitute for sexual intercourse. Giving the penis focused attention, your partner can reach heightened and sustained levels of arousal, and you don't even have to get undressed. Rather than sidelining the handjob, incorporate it more frequently and rock your partner's world.

Deeply connecting experience The name handjob is derogatory, making the act sound like work and devoid of pleasure. Instead, the term hand sex is more appropriate. After all, it is an honor to hold another person's genitalia in your hands. In many ways, it is the most vulnerable part of the body. Hold your partner's member in reverence. Make your sexual time together sacred. Bring your awareness to the moment, and marvel at the specialness of being together. View it as a loving, moving meditation. Your partner will feel the difference when you carry this intention of worship. He will be delighted that you are prioritizing his pleasure. Make hand sex the focal point and take penetration off the agenda.

Prepare the space Create a safe environment so you can express your sexual selves. If you have children, lock your bedroom door. Close the drapes, adjust the lighting, play music that carries you into an erotic zone. Set up blankets and pillows, be warm. Luxuriate in the moment and be physically at ease. Be mindful of jewelry or jagged nails that might irritate or snag your partner's delicate skin.

You both want to be relaxed and comfortable. Experiment with the Reclining Diamond, the signature position of sex educator Ashley Manta. Start by sitting in front of each other on the bed. Extend your legs out, forming a V shape. Place his legs on top of your thighs. Allow him to lie back fully relaxed. He might want to have a pillow for his head. Rest your forearms on his thighs, allowing both hands to move freely. Your hands can then touch the whole body, particularly accessing the penis, shaft, balls, perineum, and anus.

In this position, it is easy to make eye contact with your partner. Eye contact increases connection. You can also look for non-verbal cues, watching the rise and fall of his breath as it changes. If his breath is still, you can encourage him to breathe and drop into the body's sensations even more.

Inquire It is important to check in with your partner to learn about their preferences. See if he is enjoying what you are doing. Ask if the pressure is too hard or soft and if the speed is okay. Would they prefer you to slow down or quicken your movement? When your partner tells you their preferences respond by saying, "Thank you so much for telling me what you like." Your partner's feedback is not a criticism but valuable feedback that will facilitate greater intimacy. Your partner knows his body better than anyone else.

Let's begin Get affirmation from your partner that he is ready. Begin by establishing a physical connection. Move your hands up his thighs. Start with broad strokes. Warm your partner up and tease and excite him with what is going to happen. Massaging the muscles around the groin area allows for greater blood flow and stimulation of the genitals. Build anticipation.

Have plenty of lube on hand. The amount of lube you use depends on your partner's desire. Without lube, dry skin causes unpleasant friction and irritation. Cover the penis with an abundance of lube.

Corona Ridge The corona ridge is the rim around the crown of the penis. It's the rounded circumference separating the head from the shaft. Take your time and slowly roll your finger or fingers along the ridge. Trace and retrace the rim with your finger. Allow your finger to glide easily on his slippery flesh. Ask if he is enjoying your touch.

V Massaging the Frenulum At the head of the penis, a triangle forms at the ridge called the frenulum. Within the triangle is considered the most sensitive area of the penis. It is highly reactive to the slightest touch. Curl your fingers into your palms, making fists with the thumbs out. Bring the fists and thumbs together. Move the thumbs outward in small circles, rotating in opposite directions, massaging the glans. Linger, generously stimulating this erogenous zone.

Use the same thumb massaging motion along the underside of the shaft. There are tissues the length of the penis that becomes engorged with blood when aroused. It can feel phenomenal to massage the whole area. Every man is different, so seductively inquire if stimulating the nerve endings on the shaft is enticing. Ask if they are enjoying the pressure and tempo of the motion. Does he like it faster or slower?

Cupping Gently hold the balls and the penis in your hand by cupping the genitals. Move the hand in an upward motion, eventually releasing the testicles and gliding the hand up the shaft. Repeat the motion. Holding and cupping the genitals and then moving your hand upward, arousing the thousands of nerves within the balls, shaft, and crown.

Open Palm Slide Glide your open palm up the right side of the shaft, rounding over the tip of the penis and back down the left side. Stroke the penis up the left side, sliding over the tip and down the right side. Slide your hand vigorously up and down the shaft.

Pepper Grinder Grasp your well-lubed hands around his penis, stacked one on top of the other. Twist your clasped hands in opposite directions. Create a pleasing rhythm, massaging the base of the penis and the tip. Using two hands can help you vary strength and speed, and it can be an excellent way to change things up. Play with twisting the hands up and down the penis, again twisting in opposite directions. Discover what your partner gets turned on by most. Check-in and see if you can adjust your intensity and grip to satisfy your partner even more.

Soft On The penis does not have to be hard to receive pleasure. If the penis is not erect, it's not a problem. Release the pressure to always have an erect penis. A soft penis is no reflection of the giver's hand sex skills or attractiveness. There are several reasons why an erection might not occur. Lack of sleep, stress, or medication, to name a few. A soft penis still has the same amount of nerve endings as erected only in a smaller space. A loosely handled penis can experience even more pleasant sensations. An erect penis isn't required to experience an orgasm. So enjoy flaccid fun.

Schedule an unforgettable, erotic evening with your partner and wow him with these techniques. Don't be fooled by their straightforward and uncomplicated nature. They are very potent in eliciting pleasure. Move beyond the confines of sexual intercourse and add an exciting and dynamic dimension to your lovemaking. Sex can include a wider variety of experiences. Couples become empowered by learning new skills and approaching intimacy in a new way. Many times, couples need more assistance in navigating their differences in sexual desire. If you and your partner want to reimagine your sex life, I can work with you privately. Call or email me to set up an appointment.

Redefine Sex

Sex can be boring. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sexual intercourse as “heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis.” Woefully this definition negates the multiple variations and dimensions of sex. It’s like narrowing down the world’s cuisines to the hotdog. What if you don’t like hotdogs? Or your partner doesn’t enjoy hotdogs? Maybe you enjoy hotdogs, but you are sick of eating them every weekend.

The definition doesn’t do sex justice. Consequently, many of us think of sex in a limited way. These limitations can impact our intimate relationships. By redefining the definition of sex, you and your partner can enjoy a cornucopia of sexual delights. In doing so, you can feed your relationship.

As there are an infinite amount of dishes from around the world, so is the vastness of erotica. An erect penis isn’t mandatory to achieve satisfying sex. According to sex expert Dr. Barry McCarthy, couples who believe sex=intercourse experience less sexual intercourse and less touch. Oral sex, genital caressing, vibrator stimulation, erotic talk, and fantasies are all part of lovemaking. Erotic scenarios and techniques add flavor and excitement. Individual sex preferences and styles are as unique as fingerprints. Sex is personal.

Tantra views sex as a vehicle to reach enlightenment. Accordingly, through sex, you can experience god. An ancient practice, tantra, demonstrates the multidimensional nature of copulating. Sex is an energetic exchange rather than merely an act of anatomy. Sex is spiritual.

The World Health Organization says, ”Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, … when viewed affirmatively, requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence.”

There is nothing more unsexy than coercive sex. Being forced to have sex is not sex. That’s rape. Sex is consensual. Healthy sex involves desire, non-demand pleasuring, and positive, realistic expectations.

Often we learn about sex from television, advertising, and pornography. Paid actors and actresses inform our sexual experiences. We can get hung up on what sex is “suppose” to look like and discount what feels pleasurable in our bodies—changing sex into a performance rather than a profoundly intimate connection.

Instead, develop your own meaning of sex with your partner. By broadening the definition, you can alleviate the need to perform or the idea that sex needs to be a certain way. You can abandon the idea that sex is only successful if it ends with an orgasm. Rather sex can be a celebration and exploration of sensuality and connection that perhaps ends with an orgasm and sometimes not.

A common obstacle to pleasure is the pressure men feel to always have an erection. Fingers and vibrators can be equally effective and just as stimulating. In his late fifties, a male client avoided intimacy with his wife because his penis sometimes became flaccid during lovemaking. Not uncommon for men, he nonetheless felt overcome by shame. He viewed sex as an erect penis penetrating a vagina. To avoid feeling like a failure, he evaded intimacy with his wife entirely. He stopped hugging, holding hands, and kissing. Consequently, she felt less desired and more dissatisfied. The physical distance created emotional distance too.

Through couples therapy, the male client learned that sex could involve an erect penis or not. His shame dissipated, freed from a restrictive idea of sex. He felt liberated to enjoy pleasure in a new way and released his narrow and performance-dominated view of sex. Instead, he started touching his wife more, hugging and kissing. They renewed their intimacy, and his wife felt desired again. He felt empowered that he could give his wife pleasure — and feel pleasure — with or without a hard penis.

Sex can mean different things culturally as well. Your race, gender, religion, and economic status influence your perception of sex. Queer sex may not involve penetration at all.

Create your own sexy language. Learn and experiment with your partner. Take time, don’t rush. Just like trying a new restaurant, cultivate curiosity and novelty. For inspiration, check out my earlier blog posts, Entince Your Sexual Appetite with an Erotic Tasting Menu, Making Time for Sex, and Sex Store Date. Hand sex is a fantastic option when intercourse is off the table, or you want to spice things up.

Sex is playful. It is an act of giving and receiving. Don’t limit yourself. Expand your erotic palette. Adopt a new definition of sex that is expansive and includes all the senses. Create a flexible and variable sexual repertoire that goes beyond intercourse. Explore new dishes with your partner. Allow your definition of sex to evolve and change throughout your life.

SHOUTOUT LA Interview

Check out our interview with SHOUTOUT LA.

Start Talking About Sex to Have More Sex

Perhaps it is because I'm a Scorpio, the astrological sign known to be very sexual, that I find myself teaching and writing about sex. Talking about sex is part of my job description as a couples counselor. Sex, from my perspective, is a powerful, energetic exchange that can fuel intimate relationships and take you to heighten levels of ecstasy. I am sex-positive and promote an accepting and open attitude about sex and sexuality in my life and in my work with couples.

I'm a certified kundalini yoga and meditation instructor in addition to being a licensed marriage and family therapist. In kundalini yoga, sexual energy is our life force energy; it is the energy of creation. After all, sex can create life itself. If our life force energy is damped or shamed, we cannot entirely express and experience our whole self. A vital part of ourselves is diminished. We might feel tired, drained, or uninspired. Our intimate relationships can also suffer because we do not show up fully. Desireless interactions cause us to feel unsatisfied with our connection.

When our intimate relationship is unfulfilling, we feel unhappy, disconnected, and lonely.

Yet, when we are in full alignment with our passionate selves, and our partner can join us in this state, we feel more energized and complete. Our relationship becomes more enriched and satisfying.

Unfortunately, negating or ignoring our sexual energy is all too familiar. There are many reasons why this could occur, such as trauma and disinformation. Talking to your partner about sex can be a meaningful way to reclaim your sexual self. Sex coach and researcher, Pam Costa, found that when women and men started talking about sex, they ended up having more sex.

It's essential to create a safe environment when discussing sex with your partner.

First, set up a time to connect so you are not rushed and can focus your attention on each other. Be curious about what your partner is sharing rather than judgmental.

As an Imago therapist, I teach my couples a structured dialogue that promotes safety. Part of the process is to mirror or repeat what your partner communicates, enabling you to really hear one another.

Listening is seductive and a terrific starting point for creating a gratifying sex life.

An Imago therapist colleague, Sylvia Rosenfeld, created the following sentence stems to help couples start talking about sex. I recommend exploring these communication prompts with your partner to understand your relationship to sex better. Take turns answering and mirroring the responses.

A positive message I received about sex growing up is …

A negative message I received about sex growing up is …

A decision I made as a result of these messages was …

The way that this impacted my past sexual experiences was …

The way that this impacts my current sexual experience is …

A new message I can give myself is …

An action I can practice to reflect that new message is …

As I complete this process, what I experience is …

Talking about sex paves the way for deeper intimacy and helps us reconnect to our sexual energy, our life force energy. It enables us to live a more passionate, full, and authentic life. Communicating about sex lets you and your partner learn more about each other and yourself. It's a skill that ensures greater sexual pleasure and a sustaining and stimulating sex life together.

Process One, Solutio

In this stage our similarities, more imagined than real, lull us into the trance of primordial union. You become me and I become you, but soon the loss of self will bring panic and resistance.

When we see that each process gives way to a larger self, we begin to relax into curiosity.

#carljung #sextherapy101 #relationshipsfirst #couplescounseling #sextherapy #imago #imagorelationshiptherapy #marriage #couples #couplestherapy #marriagetherapy #onlinetherapy #gettingtheloveyouwant

Tidy Up Your Relationship, The 5 Benefits of Marie Kondo's Tidying Up Techniques That You Also Get From Imago Therapy

I caught the Tidying Up with Marie Kondo bug. Like so many, my family and I were enthralled by her Netflix series (now have a garage full of giveaway bags). On “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert asked her why she thought so many Americans were captivated by her show. “People want to unclutter their hearts,” she responded. You can watch the segment [here].

The series goes into the homes of families who feel overwhelmed and paralyzed by their stuff. Like magic, Marie steps in and transforms their lives with the KonMari Method, not only tidying up their homes but their intimate relationships. As a marriage and family therapist and certified Imago therapist who specializes in couples, this caught my eye. Imago Therapy is a relational modality that focuses on intimate partnership.

During each episode, I witnessed couples getting closer and appreciating each other more, which was visible by the way they communicated with one another. The show illustrated how shifts in behavior can create desired change. Marie Kondon’s approach to organizing also doubles as relationship advice. In fact, it compliments my work as an Imago therapist at several turns. Using a proven formula makes the impossible seem doable.

Couples who once were at an impasse and could not imagine a way to move forward could do so by following manageable steps. As seen in the show, intimate relationships can dramatically improve. Her process helps couples deepen intimacy while tidying up the mess around them.

Here are 5 ways on how Imago Therapy helps Marie Kondo your relationships.

1. You can change

The show beautifully demonstrates how partners can continue to grow and change. It is essential to keep growing and moving forward in your relationship. Couples often come into my office wondering if people ever change. The answer is YES with a method. This show exhibits that positive modifications to behavior are possible.

In my work as an Imago therapist, I utilize a step-by-step structure called the Behavior Change Request. Within this format, partners stretch into their best selves. Our partner holds the blueprint for our individual development. Relationships are best when partners facilitate each other’s positive growth.

2. You have a vision

Together couples work towards a common goal to organize their home. They share a joint vision of the future. Their vision keeps them connected and on track even when they get stuck and find it difficult to change. Item by item, couples’ sense if the thing they are holding sparks joy and if they want it to be part of their future. They keep on task until their vision becomes a reality.

“We are working together on something that will definitely be life-changing,” beamed Wendy, an empty nester, from episode two. This process is similar to designing a relationship vision, a series of positive statements that describes your ideal relationship. A relationship vision is a powerful tool to bring your hopes and dreams into fruition. Read my husband and my HuffPost piece to construct your own here

3. You can manage your space

Couples learn how to manage their environment. It’s very common for couples to argue about the area they share. “The biggest fights we ever get into are over money and cleaning,” laments Kevin, a show participant in season one. Throughout the series, couples complain of feeling stressed out by their belongings. In organizing they reduce their anxiety. Anxiety causes disconnection in relationships. When anxiety lessens, couples can enjoy each other more.

Each item finds a place in the home creating more ease and calmness for the inhabitants. Partners also take responsibility for their own clothing and knick-knacks. This is important for differentiation, which makes it easier to see and understand that you are two different people in one relationship.

Taking accountability is an invaluable skill within intimate partnerships. When you are accountable for your actions and their repercussions you create trust within a relationship and in yourself. When you stop blaming the other partner that’s when the transformation occurs. At one point, a participant begins to weigh-in on the significance of her husband’s shirt. “As a rule focus only on the clothes that belong to you,” Marie gently admonishes.

4. Communication

Couples who once argued about the clutter started talking about other topics and interests. Some even became more romantic. The constant battling ended when a system was integrated into the house that managed the chaos.

In the last episode, Alishia and Angela admitted, “The bickering declined.” They also shared how the process allowed them to get to know each other better. They learned why certain sentimental items were essential to their partner. These exchanges deepened the experience for all the participants.

In my practice, I teach a method of communication called the Intentional Dialogue. It provides a pathway for couples to communicate effectively through difficult conversations. The process is an opportunity for partners to be seen and heard. Seemingly impossible conversations occur because couples utilize the dialogue structure.

5. You have more time for each other

Couples found more time to enjoy one another when they were not bogged down by their clutter. Many complained of feeling swamped by their home. Some rooms were avoided because of the mess. The atmosphere in the house was tense, nothing seemed to get done, and items were difficult to find. This added to the stress.

However, their interactions changed after they integrated an organizational method leaving more time to laugh and love. Having successful systems in place makes life and relationships easier to manage.

As a marriage and family therapist, it’s an honor to share various relationship protocols from how to discuss difficult topics to repairing ruptures in the connection. These skills enable partners to be playful, creative and remember why they fell in love.

Couples uncluttered their hearts and re-discovered the daily joy of being together.

“My method of tidying not only cleans the surfaces of your home but helps you consider how you want to live and what kind of relationship you want to have with your family and friends and all the things that surround you,” Marie summaries.

Just like there is an approach for tidying up, there is a guide to improving your relationship and getting the love you want. The framework I use with couples is a step-by-step process that enhances connection. It teaches you how to move through conflict quickly and easily and live the relationship of your dreams.

Change is possible with a method.

Re-Visioning Video Guide

In this 30 min. video Thea and I walk you through step by step one of the most transformative exercises you can do for your relationship by imagining it into the love affair of your dreams. You can also download the worksheets by [reading the article here...Huffington Post][1]

Resolution to Re-Vision Your Relationship

Thea and Duane Harvey, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapists

If you’ve ever wondered why so many New Years resolutions fail, you’re not alone. Part of the reason is doing it alone; the other part is futurizing. A goal is by definition something placed in the future. Therefore it never happens. Turning a goal into a vision, however, brings it into the present moment and stimulates new actions that create and support it. Also, fixing your mind on a goal requires willpower, which is a limited resource, quickly depleted. A vision, on the other hand, as anyone who practices guided mediation can tell you, refuels and replenishes the mind. A vision is a renewable source of energy.

Individual goals and aspirations are undoubtedly important, but why not utilize the most powerful resource you have: your partner. Our brain is, first and foremost, a social organ and functions optimally when in sync with another. Two logs burning on a fire generates more heat than one. So take each resolution, turn it into a relationship goal, and then envision it as if it were already true.

A conventional resolution such as I will lose five pounds has several problems. First the word will puts it perpetually out of reach. Second, the mind reacts strongly to the suggestion of losing anything, so you’ve instantly got an internal fight on your hands. Turn the I into a We, then turn the phrase “lose five pounds” into the action and benefit: We exercise regularly, enjoy healthy foods and fit into our favorite clothes.

When a couple can hold and express this sentence together, it becomes true almost effortlessly because they’ve tricked their brains into acting as if it were real now. It changes behavior.

A successful relationship, one that is inline with your dreams and ideals, requires a shared vision. This couples exercise was created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. A vision is a roadmap. It provides direction and focuses your energy and efforts on a goal that you and your partner create together.

When Thea and I first met we talked a lot about relationships, and when I told her about the Relationship Vision, and she burst out: “I’ve always wanted to make a vision board with a boyfriend.” She knew exactly what I was talking about. A Relationship Vision is a visual representation of what you want, a picture of the life you want to build together, but made out of words.

When you see a picture in your mind’s eye, the visual cortex in the brain lights up. It then interprets that image as a command and sends signals to the hypothalamus to start producing hormones and other fuels to get your muscles moving in that direction.

What you see is what you will get. So create a clear picture of where you want to go with your relationship. If you see disaster ahead most likely you will encounter disaster, or make it. If you see a picture of happiness and bliss your brain and body will do all it can to make it so. What you look at is where the muscles in your body, where your decisions, will lead you.

Without a vision your relationship is easily distracted and aimless, you become vulnerable to frequent disagreements and misunderstandings. It seems as if you are constantly at odds with one another. This can be exhausting and demoralizing, making it difficult to get back on track and repair conflicts. Defining your vision turns your energy away from the past, away from frustration and toward the future you want to create. It is a vision of the whole that unifies all the parts of your relationship. It gives direction to each decision and shapes every action.

The first thing to do is make your individual desires explicit and clear. Your own personal dream of a deeply satisfying relationship. If you are single, do this step to clarify what you want, and who you want to be in a relationship. This will focus your dating energies and help you make decisions in finding a mate.

Write about 10 to 15 positive statements in the present tense starting with the word We. (download Our Relationship Vision Form)

For example, We settle our differences peacefully. Rather than, We don’t fight. The “don’t” part of that sentence is struck out by the visual cortex because it is a grammatical construct and not an image. Saying We don’t fight is giving the command: Fight.

Include positive present tense statements that are already working within your relationship and qualities and activities you wish to add.

Once you have your own Vision, make an appointment to share it with your partner. Decide who goes first. While one of you reads the items, the listening partner mirrors and then says “Yes.” When you mirror your partner you repeat back what your partner said without adding any intonation. You want to keep your face relaxed. Mirroring is a mindfulness practice because you are really listening to what your partner is saying rather than thinking about your response.

You say “Yes“, in the spirit of open-mindedness and infinite possibility. You are not agreeing to a time frame or a logistical action.

A Vision is about Dreaming, first and foremost, not about practical reality, at least not yet.

Bring all the items together, working out redundancy and adding important detail. Some items will be similar; some will be different. Everything gets included in one way or another unless it expressly violates a core value. For example: We have an open relationship does not get included unless it is something you both want. If an item does not make it to the co-created Vision, it is used in a different process we can address at another time. It is important to recognize that your partner is different from you and that we grow by including parts of their world and desires into ours. A shared Vision synthesizes your separate dreams and desires. Once you have a co-created Relationship Vision make several copies and post them around your house, on the refrigerator, inside the medicine cabinet, on your phone. For 30 days read it together like a prayer, or a meditation. Turn this into a ritual.

In some ways, a Vision is a mission statement for your relationship. But a statement alone does not have enough energy to convert a dream into reality. Next, we want to walk you through how to ground each item so it becomes real. (download Grounding Your Vision Form)

As an example we are going to walk you through one of our Vision items: We create novel, exploratory dates.

Scheduling novelty dates is vital to keep the passion alive in your relationship. Studies show that doing new activities together stimulate the hormones that keep us attracted to our partner (read our previous article: What Grown-up Marriage Looks Like). How many innovative outings did you experience with your partner last year? Now is the time to set an intention to schedule fresh and fun experiences.

First, turn your Vision item into a goal: To keep the excitement and passion alive by having new experiences and learning about new places, faces, fashion, design!

Next, we articulate the objective or purpose of this goal: To activate each other’s dopamine and norepinephrine receptors, and get the testosterone flowing between us. To experience new places, people, and things, stimulating more conversational and possibility.

Then, add a time frame. Ours is: Monthly, Saturday nights!

Now, write down specific strategies and tactics: Contact Duane’s sister to babysit, start researching newspapers and media outlets for new places around town, such as restaurants, bars, museums, art shows, performances, theater, films, dance clubs, potential friends for double-dating. Plan route, itinerary. Get well rested beforehand. Prepare for spontaneity.

To further ground the vision it is important to engage all five senses. Tuning in to the five senses is also a mindfulness practice to stay present and in the moment. The problem with most relationships is the inability to get out of the past.

The first sense we engage is sight. What would this look like? I wrote: bright lights, Thea’s eyes, people walking, couples, color, sexy dresses, short skirts, menus, food, glasses filled with sparkling liquid, stars, moon, neon art, window shopping displays…

We grounded our vision under sound and included: music, live guitar, street musicians, singing, radio songs, background bass beat, voices, foreign languages, conversations, exclamations, greetings, traffic, horns, background noise...

Under smells, Thea included: wine, beer, roses, gardenias, jasmine, ocean, salt, night mist….

For the tactile sense of touch I wrote: holding Thea’s hand, warmth, moist, tongue, tight, skin of her leg, arms, shoulders, squeeze, hug, face, hair.

Taste: sour, sweet, salty food, salty lips, salty skin, steak, grilled veggies, bitter IPA tang…

These sensory items can be anything that comes to mind, either literal or metaphoric associations. So make them as personal or idiosyncratic as you like.

Then we added the emotions experienced: exhilaration, thrill, surprise, arousal, delight, closeness, desire…satiation.

Next is the payoff, the consequence. What is the benefit of all this concentrated focus? For us, the payoff is: full aliveness, fresh conversations, the renewed vitality of romantic connection, new friends, new learning…

Then the progress report: How did it go? What would you change? What would you add? What would you delete? Overall we are doing pretty well: We could plan events better by scheduling earlier.

Lastly, revise the plan based on the progress report. Reaffirm, recommit, or amend the Vision or any part of the grounding process. For us, we need to keep it up and stay creative.

Your Relationship Vision is a living, evolving process, growing as your relationship grows. You and your partner will inevitably falter. This is your guide to realign your intentions.

By translating your goals into a vision and embedding that vision in your relationship you are fast-tracking your resolutions into reality.

Thea & Duane Harvey, Harvey Center for Relationships

Thea quoted in Bride Magazine

WEDDING PRESENCE

MINDFULNESS IS THE LATEST WELLNESS BUZZWORD TO GO MAINSTREAM. KARI MOLVAR EXPLAINS HOW STAYING IN THE MOMENT CAN KEEP YOU RELAXED AND HAPPY WHILE PLANNING, ON THE BIG DAY—AND IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Paula Mallis clearly remembers her wedding day: The Los Angeles–based doula planned it in six months, dealt with intense opinions from family members (including a mother-in-law “with big feelings,” she says), and then, on the day itself, watched as the skies opened and it poured on her cli side gathering in Big Sur. “The umbrellas went to shit,” she says. “We ended up in one room with everyone sitting on the oor, soaking wet.” There in the room, Mallis broke out in tears—not the sad, why-me? kind but the happy-smiling-love kind. “Every- one was laughing, and everything was how my husband and I wanted it,” she says. Despite the downpour, they still had the amazing, crazy, fun day they’d wanted. Not everyone would laugh in the face of such stress, but Mallis had prepared herself. Her secret power? Being mindful, setting intentions, and upping her meditation practice during her engagement. “Weddings involve so much pres- sure and anxiety,” she says. Mindfulness helped her stay “calm, centered, and present.” To say mindfulness has caught on is an under- statement. At its most basic, “mindfulness is the act of bringing your full attention to the present moment,” says Ellie Burrows, founder of MNDFL, a meditation studio in New York. Granted, this isn’t exactly new: Mindfulness is rooted in Buddhist and Taoist practices that PHOTOGRAPHS BY COREY TOWERS BRIDES.COM date back thousands of years. Burrows says it’s about quieting your brain so it’s not constantly pinging with thoughts of the past or worries about the future. “If, for example, you’re talking with your ancé, then you are engaged in listen- ing.” That means putting the mute button on interruptions “about your to-do list, the next thing on your calendar, or checking your phone.” By not being at the mercy of a roving brain— or the incessant alerts from your phone, feeds, and followings—you’ll make better decisions, have more control over emotions and reactions, and forge stronger bonds with loved ones. If that sounds radically simple, it is. “Mindful- ness isn’t new; it’s just more talked about now,” says Khajak Keledjian, the founder of InScape meditation studio in New York City. The rise is tied to our recent obsession with various self- care practices—from crystal healing to sound baths—that have gone from mystical to main- stream. We’re craving what Suze Yalof Schwartz calls “solstice,” a kind of primal balance. Schwartz, founder of the UnPlug Meditation studio in L.A., says, “Our culture is plugged in 24/7. But we need silence and self-connection so we can be more creative, happier, and healthier,” she says. “Just as we recharge our phones, we need to recharge ourselves.” A mounting stack of research backs up the ben- e ts: Meditating can decrease anxiety-related CALLIGRAPHY BY HANDMADE LETTERS OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2017 247 MANTRA COURTESY OF CHRISTINE D’ERCOLE

cortisol levels, increase emotional intelligence, and sharpen mental focus. In fact, according to the National Business Group on Health, 22 per- cent of U.S. companies (like Apple and Nike) now o er mindfulness perks to employees. As Burrows says, “It’s no longer just monks in robes telling you that mindfulness is good. It’s your doctor, boss, or friends. Our lives can be quite chaotic, and mindfulness can help anchor us.” And there’s nothing like planning a wedding to throw your life into chaos. “The money, the relatives, the expectations—both personal and external—all contribute to serious stress,” says Schwartz. “I wish I’d meditated on my own wedding day. I was not really present.” Taking a beat to breathe helps you “build resilience in your brain so that you’re able to stop stress as it comes your way,” says Schwartz. It also lets you absorb all the happiness around you— so the day doesn’t speed by in a blur. A mindfulness practice can take many forms, says Mallis, who launched WMN Space, an all- woman wellness hub in L.A.—and can help you MINDFULNESS IS THE ENEMY OF MULTITASKING— THE DEFAULT MODE FOR SO MANY BRIDES-TO-BE. tap into your inner power as you navigate through the planning to the happily-ever-after part. First, take a breath—and read on. PLAN WITH PURPOSE Meditation is often the easiest gateway to mind- fulness, but if you’re new to it, start small. “Try meditating in the morning for 15 minutes. This way, you start your day centered, calm, and clear,” says Keledjian, who also recommends nding a consistent spot where you’re used to the sounds and sensory factors. “Fewer distrac- tions makes it easier to stay focused and present.” Meditation is simply a form of contemplation. InScape’s weekly Focus33 guided meditation class is just 33 minutes, takes place in a cocoon- like space lit with purple tones, and is popular with brides-to-be like writer Kate Erickson. A teacher leads the class through a series of breathing exercises. “I kind of felt like I was nodding o , and when it was over I really felt as if I had been transported—like when you’re get- ting a facial and dozing but really loving it,” Erickson says. Her goal was to “calm my thoughts for a bit. I expected to love wedding planning, but I nd it completely overwhelming.” What she’s picked up in class serves her well beyond the con nes of the purple cocoon: When presented with sorting out hundreds of reception-related details, “taking a moment to focus on my breath has saved me from many planning-related freak- outs.” (If you can’t make it to a class, apps like Headspace and Insight Timer o er guided medi- tations of varying durations.) Mindfulness is the enemy of multitasking, the default mode for so many brides-to-be. “Multitasking often means you’re doing many things at once in a shallow sense,” says Keled- jian. If you concentrate on one project at time, he says, “you’ll actually be more e cient. It’s about focusing your attention narrow and deep versus wide and shallow.” Chances are, you’ll immediately notice a mental shift: “What would it feel like if I talked to my wedding planner and wasn’t looking at a screen or driving or walking anywhere?” Burrows asks. “I would be more present for that conversation and make more thoughtful responses.” If you still nd yourself getting anxious while planning (and taking it out on everyone), Bur- rows recommends “intention setting,” which is when you purposefully try to cultivate a quality, like patience or openheartedness. Find a quiet spot and write down your goal—literally, “I want to be more patient.” (Think of it as a to-do list for your soul...and mood). Then start recogniz- ing opportunities to ex that emotional muscle. For brides who need a little extra coaching in the calm-yourself department, Padma Shankar Coram, a wellness coach at the Grace Belgravia spa in London (where Pippa Middleton is rumored to be a client), recommends EFT—or emotional freedom techniques. The alternative therapy is part of the spa’s wellness boot camp for brides and involves tapping on the body’s meridian points to release negative energy. This, coupled with visual-guided meditation (in which you imagine your desired outcome actually happening), “helps remove jitters regarding the big day,” Coram says. To nd an EFT class or practitioner in your area, check out the directory at thetappingsolution.com. Your bridesmaids can get in on the mindful vibes too, says Mallis, who hosts “blessing circles” over bachelorette weekends. “I led one where everyone wrote their wishes for the bride’s mar- riage. They wished for things like understanding, communication, and great sex,” says Mallis, who was surprised by how open the group was to what many consider a hippie-dippie activity. “This group was full-on partying; I didn’t expect them to be down. But they laughed and cried and said it was the weekend’s most magical moment.” STAY PRESENT, SAY “I DO” You have something borrowed, something blue. Now you need something...balanced. “Have a mantra for the day,” suggests motivational speaker Christine D’Ercole. “It helps you see the big picture and not stress over little stu . I like to use these eight words to begin a mantra: I am. I can. I will. I do. Then complete the phrase with words that capture the ideas you want to carry into the marriage.” Repeating the mantra keeps you from “getting caught up in the fuss over place settings or desserts. It’s critical to the success of the event you’re celebrating.” You’ll also be in a much happier mental place if you do a quick gratitude list. “Take up to 15 minutes before the ceremony to get centered,” says Keledjian. “Breathe deeply and take in the excitement and the love surrounding you. It’s a great time to remind yourself of what brought you to that moment.” During the day, pick two moments when you can steal away to connect with your partner. “Express your gratitude for the love that you feel, even if it’s just for ve minutes,” say Bur- rows, who suggests ducking out right after the ceremony and then again after dinner. Should a crisis pop up and you start to “wander o into bridezilla land—thinking, I hate my hair!— place your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and slow your breath,” Schwartz says. Inhale through your nose for four seconds, hold the breath for four seconds, and exhale through your mouth for four seconds. “Give thanks for the celebration, then think of three things you’re grateful for about your spouse and three things you’re grateful for about yourself. Then open your eyes. This will shift your mood,” says Schwartz. “Nothing is prettier than happiness, so do this before going down the aisle.” If you can remember to do only one thing? Turn on your senses. “Smell your bouquet, feel the texture of your wedding dress, really listen, and take in what people are saying during the toast,” says Thea Harvey, a meditation teacher in L.A. “When you do this, you’re in the present.” Then stay there by eliminating distractions. Give your phone to a bridesmaid. Hands free, heart open! BALANCED MARRIAGE Mindfulness skills can help your relationship too. “Meditation is the best thing you can do for your marriage,” Schwartz says. “Petty things won’t bother you as much. The toothpaste cap left o ? Dishes in the sink? No problem.” You can strengthen your bond simply by being an active listener. “In my relationship, we try to put away our phones when we connect after a long day apart and be mindful of our time together,” says Burrows. Such pauses can make you less fraz- zled. “I have a lot more space between my reaction and the trigger,” she says. “I’m a better partner.” Still, your partner might not jump into all your rituals right away. “I grew up with a much more spiritual outlook than my husband did,” Mallis says. But after 11 years together, he recently picked up on self-care habits to “remain centered and present.” Mallis says, “I’m like, ‘Good bae!’ I think he’s just getting it.” 248 OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2017 BRIDES.COM BRIDES.COM OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2017 249