Sex can be boring. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sexual intercourse as “heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis.” Woefully this definition negates the multiple variations and dimensions of sex. It’s like narrowing down the world’s cuisines to the hotdog. What if you don’t like hotdogs? Or your partner doesn’t enjoy hotdogs? Maybe you enjoy hotdogs, but you are sick of eating them every weekend.

The definition doesn’t do sex justice. Consequently, many of us think of sex in a limited way. These limitations can impact our intimate relationships. By redefining the definition of sex, you and your partner can enjoy a cornucopia of sexual delights. In doing so, you can feed your relationship.

As there are an infinite amount of dishes from around the world, so is the vastness of erotica. An erect penis isn’t mandatory to achieve satisfying sex. According to sex expert Dr. Barry McCarthy, couples who believe sex=intercourse experience less sexual intercourse and less touch. Oral sex, genital caressing, vibrator stimulation, erotic talk, and fantasies are all part of lovemaking. Erotic scenarios and techniques add flavor and excitement. Individual sex preferences and styles are as unique as fingerprints. Sex is personal.

Tantra views sex as a vehicle to reach enlightenment. Accordingly, through sex, you can experience god. An ancient practice, tantra, demonstrates the multidimensional nature of copulating. Sex is an energetic exchange rather than merely an act of anatomy. Sex is spiritual.

The World Health Organization says, ”Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, … when viewed affirmatively, requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence.”

There is nothing more unsexy than coercive sex. Being forced to have sex is not sex. That’s rape. Sex is consensual. Healthy sex involves desire, non-demand pleasuring, and positive, realistic expectations.

Often we learn about sex from television, advertising, and pornography. Paid actors and actresses inform our sexual experiences. We can get hung up on what sex is “suppose” to look like and discount what feels pleasurable in our bodies—changing sex into a performance rather than a profoundly intimate connection.

Instead, develop your own meaning of sex with your partner. By broadening the definition, you can alleviate the need to perform or the idea that sex needs to be a certain way. You can abandon the idea that sex is only successful if it ends with an orgasm. Rather sex can be a celebration and exploration of sensuality and connection that perhaps ends with an orgasm and sometimes not.

A common obstacle to pleasure is the pressure men feel to always have an erection. Fingers and vibrators can be equally effective and just as stimulating. In his late fifties, a male client avoided intimacy with his wife because his penis sometimes became flaccid during lovemaking. Not uncommon for men, he nonetheless felt overcome by shame. He viewed sex as an erect penis penetrating a vagina. To avoid feeling like a failure, he evaded intimacy with his wife entirely. He stopped hugging, holding hands, and kissing. Consequently, she felt less desired and more dissatisfied. The physical distance created emotional distance too.

Through couples therapy, the male client learned that sex could involve an erect penis or not. His shame dissipated, freed from a restrictive idea of sex. He felt liberated to enjoy pleasure in a new way and released his narrow and performance-dominated view of sex. Instead, he started touching his wife more, hugging and kissing. They renewed their intimacy, and his wife felt desired again. He felt empowered that he could give his wife pleasure — and feel pleasure — with or without a hard penis.

Sex can mean different things culturally as well. Your race, gender, religion, and economic status influence your perception of sex. Queer sex may not involve penetration at all.

Create your own sexy language. Learn and experiment with your partner. Take time, don’t rush. Just like trying a new restaurant, cultivate curiosity and novelty. For inspiration, check out my earlier blog posts, Entince Your Sexual Appetite with an Erotic Tasting Menu, Making Time for Sex, and Sex Store Date. Hand sex is a fantastic option when intercourse is off the table, or you want to spice things up.

Sex is playful. It is an act of giving and receiving. Don’t limit yourself. Expand your erotic palette. Adopt a new definition of sex that is expansive and includes all the senses. Create a flexible and variable sexual repertoire that goes beyond intercourse. Explore new dishes with your partner. Allow your definition of sex to evolve and change throughout your life.