What is Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago Relationship Therapy is a method of couples therapy that integrates the major theories of personality, behavioral science, physiology, and spiritual discipline. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix, is the watershed book that unified the subject of marriage for clinicians and couples alike. The word imago is Latin for image, and is a term used since Plato to describe the inner imprint that matches the type of person with whom we are destined to fall in love. Not just any good looking or talented person will do. We want chemistry, and that spark occurs when we meet an imago-match. The characteristics of our imago are formed in childhood from powerful experiences we had with our parents and other family members. However, not all those earlier experiences were good. But instead of avoiding the negative, we consistently pick or provoke those who possess the very traits we want to avoid. This phenomenon has puzzled psychologists and poets for hundreds of years. It did not even make unconscious sense until Harville Hendrix demonstrated that this seemingly destructive pull is one of nature's most eloquent strategies of self-repair.
The Structure
The format of effective couples therapy is structured to guarantee emotional safety at all times. The problem is not a lack of communication but rather a tone and style that prevents our partner from hearing what we are trying to convey. Criticism is eliminated and replaced with appreciations and the expressions of our desires. You will learn how to convert even persistent negative behaviors into positive interactions that promote change and growth. Homework and in-between session exercises reinforce new patterns that deepen security and expands excitement and passion.
Working Without a Partner
Sometimes one partner is unwilling to enter therapy because they feel they are going to be shamed or criticized. Statistically, individual treatment increases the chance of divorce. When only one partner enters imago therapy, however, the unwilling partner gladly joins the process after only a few sessions.
If you are a single person who is looking for a committed partner, imago therapy will help you understand the inner mechanism of your attraction to others. You will also gain awareness on how to discern a more suitable, or workable, imago match.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. My partner refuses to come to therapy. He says I am the one with the problem. How can I get him to see his part?
Stop trying to get your partner to see his part. It only makes him more defensive. If you turn the focus of your attention around to yourself and keep it there, he will begin to relax. You don't need his cooperation to work on the relationship. You can do a great deal on your own, and these new actions will have a dramatic effect on him. He will not be able to resist positive changes. For starters, replace all criticism with appreciations, and stop talking about the problems in the relationship. Begin the work without him, and he will want to join the process.
2. What if we don't know if we are right together? Would this help us find out?
Imago therapy is one of the best ways to find out. Often the very problems in our relationship are evidence that we have chosen the right person. If not, nothing will make this more evident than doing the work. Couples sometimes use the twelve sessions as a period of discernment. And until you understand why you chose each other, you will end up repeating the same kind of choice.
3. We've been to three therapists, and all we do is take our fight to their office. Why expect this to be any different?
Emotional safety is the number one priority of imago therapy. From the first moment, you will enter a structure in which fighting and arguing cannot occur. You and your partner will practice this structure at home during the week between sessions. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to resolve conflict on your own.
4. Everything was great for the first year. It's been hell ever since. Is it possible to ever get that back?
All committed relationships follow a similar course from one stage of development to another. The first stage is Romance. This honeymoon period can last from two weeks to a year. The next stage is the Power Struggle, when disappointment and anger set in. At this stage, many couples conclude that they made a mistake and chose the wrong partner. The reverse is true. But to move out of the power struggle, it is necessary to understand what it is trying to accomplish. Couples who are committed to doing the psychological work of marriage can revive the romance of the beginning with the added wisdom of knowing why they are together and how to keep it fresh and exciting.
5. What is sex therapy?
Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy addressing sexual issues and concerns to improve sexual function, pleasure, and satisfaction. Sessions are fully clothed and explore the psychological, emotional, and relational factors that may impact sexual well-being, including examining beliefs and attitudes about sex, past sexual experiences, communication and intimacy issues, and other factors contributing to sexual difficulties. Couples and individuals learn mindfulness and relaxation techniques, communication and intimacy exercises, and other strategies to promote sexual health and well-being. Sex therapy can be helpful for a wide range of concerns, including discrepancies in desire, low libido, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and painful intercourse, as well as enhancing intimacy and sexual enjoyment. It's important to note that sex therapy requires specific training and expertise. Theodora has her Doctorate in Clinical Sexology and is a certified AASECT sex therapist.
6. What if we decided to divorce?
Most couples divorce because they don't have the knowledge or skill to move out of the power struggle. It appears as if there is no other option. Divorce is, therefore, not a free choice but determined by a lack of information. This kind of divorce will prompt two undesirable outcomes: 1. You will find yourself in the same situation in the future with a new partner. 2. You will be vulnerable to haunting regret. Conscious divorce is a process that deepens self-understanding, eliminates blame, and minimizes injury to everyone. Being in imago therapy for divorce is just as compelling as being in it to stay married.
7. Are you a certified imago relationship therapist?
We are both certified Imago Relationship Therapists. Duane was trained by Harville Hendrix in 1991 and has been an active member of the Imago international community ever since. Theodora additionally was taught by both Harville and Helen Lakely Hunt as a certified facilitator in Safe Conversations, a global movement designed to assist couples, communities, and nations. She has served on the board of Imago Relationships International. You can find our professional Imago family at socalimagotherapy.com or gettingtheloveyouwant.com.
We are both clinical members of CAMFT (California Association of Marriage & Family therapy), and Duane is a clinical member of AAMFT (American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy).
8. Do you take insurance?
If your insurance carrier covers out-patient out-of-network psychotherapy, we can provide you with a 'superbill' (a coded invoice) that you can submit for reimbursement. We accept Mastercard, Visa, Discover, and American Express, PayPal, Venmo, personal checks, and cash. You will find it less disruptive to pay at the beginning rather than at the end of each session or provide your credit card information for us to keep on file.